Saturday, 27 December 2008

My Application for New York Senator


Seeing how New York is not particular about property ownership or residence in the state to be a US senator for the state, and the fact that Caroline Kennedy has thrust herself into contention for the job, I've decided to THRUST myself also incontention for the empty New York senator job.

I realize this may shock some of you....knowing I'm all-Bama and I have this love-hate thing about New York City. Its a difficult decision....knowing that I'll have to relocate to New York as part of the deal and probably have to learn New York-ize as a language. It'll also be a problem in walking around New York City without a fear deep in my heart of being robbed, stabbed or beaten. I'm also not much of a Yankees or Mets fan (the Braves are my team).

I've paused over this topic for at least ten minutes and believe that the time has come for me to step into the mess and square away the mess in the Senate....and why not represent New York? I can be just as big a pretender as Hillary or this Caroline Kennedy-gal. I can't name more than twelve cities in the state, but neither can these two dimwits. I can't tell the difference between abstract art and monkey art.....but does that really matter?

My plan, if appointed...is to quickly move up to upstate New York....to Buffalo....and be "the man of the people"....mostly regular New York Joe's of America (similar to the Joe the Plumber, Joe Six-Pack, and Joe the Pirate). I will run a theme of "CHANGE", although I'll pretend its change of a mostly unknown variety that folks have heard about and would like to have....just that they aren't sure what the hell it is. I'll make sure I'm always quoting dead New York political figures and New York Yankees managers....to liven up the audience at the senate chamber.

I'm pretty sure that Wolfe Blitzer will give me a invite up to his show....provided there is ribs and bar-b-q served afterwards. I'll even appear on Barbara Walter's show....provided she gives me one of those special "winks" on difficult questions so I can just pass on them.

The best part about this deal....the real New York political figures get a way to slide out of the national mess being handed to them. No real self-respecting New York democrat really wants Caroline Kennedy in the office because she never paid her dues. And the idea of her getting this deal because Obama said to give it to her....just riles these guys a bit. So naturally, I am the solution. I'll stick around for two years....eat lots of cheap steak at the senate cafetaria and drink as much free booze as possible...before I retreat back to Bama in January of 2011.

I'll promise not to write more than two books on my entire experience, and I won't be caught taking any bribes beyond what is typical or average for regular senators. I'll promise to ask for tens of billions for failed New York companies on the bailout game. I'll promise to ask for money to rebuild every school in Staten Island. I'll promise to pave every road from Rome, New York to Buffalo, New York. Heck, I'll even promise not to mess around with New York hookers while on duty.

So, for you kindly folks from the Bronx....who'd like to fix this problem real simple and avoid this Kennedy gal....give me a shot. What'd you got to lose?

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