Saturday, 5 April 2008

How to Bribe a Good Politican

For the naive...I will offer you seventeen ways of taking care of yourself, your company, your agenda, your family, your fortune or your imagination. In the real world....you have to take measures into your hands and pay the right politicians.

1. Simple bribe with cash. Normally a bag...somewhere in the $5k to $100k range. This is for the minor-league situations where simplicity is necessary and the cost is reasonable.

2. The expensive house for cheap. You buy a $500k house and you rig up a special sale of sort...where you sell the house to the right guy...for $250k. The guy keeps the house for a year, and then resells for $500k minimum....maybe more. No one will ask real questions about this because you did the paperwork legally and ownership paperwork isn't usually a open-source item for newspapers.

3. The expensive property for nothing. You have fifty acres of developed property worth $2 million. You sell the property to the politician for $400k. You simply comment in public that the property isn't yet "developed"....so its not worth full maximum value. The new owner sales in a year for $2 million and safely takes the money home and pays taxes off that.

4. Establish an account in Panama, with a fake foundation. You make the politician a third or fourth player in this foundation, with property bought via the foundation there and other countries. You allow money to move quietly from the foundation's account to a foundation credit card....which pays for the wonderful things that your new friend needs.

5. You give the politician a golf club membership in a private club....worth $20k. They get to bring friends and guests to the club....and do more deals in private....which maybe you will be part of.

6. You arrange a job for the politician's wife with a local law firm. The wife pulls in $80k to $200k per year....doing substandard work expected at that level....but it doesn't matter. You authorize her a credit card and allow her full reign to use the card for hotels and travel, which they use monthly for trips to Vegas or Florida.

7. You set up a 5-star condo in Vegas or Colorado, that you allow your friendly politician to use several times a year at no cost to himself.

8. You set up a speculation deal for some wonderful friends which is 100 percent guaranteed to succeed....and they get to buy into the deal at $100k.....which in ten years guarantees them a sum of money exceeding $5 million. All legal because of the methods of owndership in America.

9. You set up a dinner at the chic and exotic 5-star restaurant in town. The $400 tab? Your issue...the politician ate free.

10. Fancy conference in Switzerland for Devos fans? Fix up a private jet and have special hotel suites set for three or four of your favorite national politicians. Ensure private high-value wines are placed in each suite and a free tab is set to the jewelry shop connected to the hotel...so the guests can buy off the room tab.

11. Hire the politician's kid for a $120k salary when they finish college....even though the normal salary would be $40k at best. After two years....have another friend hire the kid for $180 and make them believe that they are being promoted or sought after....because of great project work. By the third job...the kid is making $200 at age 28 and is totally worthless but dad is happy.

12. Swing a deal with the politician where you agree to introduce them to foreign interests and potentially more bribes.

13. Arrange a deal where stock in your company can be bought by a "special friend" of the ownership....for 75 percent of the normal price.

14. Arrange for a friendly escort to always be available for a politician visiting your local area and to be his guest for the entire five days.

15. Arrange for a party where Hollywood big-wigs and big-boobed dim-witted blonde's will be attending. The politician will appreciate your assistance in getting them to meet "real people.

16. Give the local city council guy a dozen $100 Home Depot gift certificates.

17. Give the local mayor a case of Johnny Walker Brown....for his effort.

This is what America is really about. Its the gift of giving....that makes us unique.