Thursday, 10 April 2008

My 100

  1. I grew up in a “dry” Baptist county in Bama and had never partaken of booze until 19. Yep….then I sipped some beer and found it foul…..then I sipped some whiskey sours and found them extra tangy. It was the end of Baptist influence on me.
  2. To be quiet honest….while all that moral stuff stuck with me throughout life (primarily because of my dad)….I could never accept a word of the Baptist crap at church services and questioned the whole business from age 10 on. Organized religion just doesn’t sell well to me.
  3. I was a “C-“ type student in math…until the 10th grade, and then I met Mr Green and the independent method of study. We studied and worked at our own pace. I finished the entire class shortly after Christmas and was a “A” student for that complete year in math. I later took Algebra and Geometry with similar grades. I found that I could learn….but spending an entire week trying to learn one concept…bored the crap out of me….and was wasting my precious time.
  4. I never intended to stay past the 4th year of the Air Force. I often wonder what I would have done….if I had stayed on that strategy.
  5. I can’t stand folks who have pieced tongues….you can’t understand a damn word that they are saying.
  6. I have smoked a total of five cigarettes in my life….and 700 cigars. I haven’t touched a cigar in almost five years.
  7. I have three drinks of preference: (1) glacier water, (2) ice tea with three slices of lemon (no sugar), and (3) Pepsi (with ice). A German beer is ok, and a whiskey sour is pretty fair drink. And I’ll take a Mountain Dew on a hot day.
  8. I actually learned how to ski…which is remarkable for a fellow from Bama. I quit after that Italian lady (250 lbs) landed on my ankle on a ski trip six years ago.
  9. I’m not much of a car freak. The best car I owned….was a 72 AMC AMX.
  10. I’m lousy at poker and should never play.
  11. I can’t dance….and I’m not teachable…trust me.
  12. I am some kinda magnet that draws folks to confess sins, tell their woes & sorrows, and weep over their lost lives. It was ok up until age 45…..but now I can’t stand these folks.
  13. “The Natural” was the best written script for a movie ever made.
  14. “Along Came Jones” was the best western ever made.
  15. Woman who wear tube tops…..ought to be banned.
  16. I was so bored with English in the 12th grade…..I started to write fake book reports….up to two pages in length….over books which didn’t exist….which I did on four occasions and the teacher gave me “A’s” in each case. She never figured that out.
  17. Border collies are the best damn dog on earth.
  18. Given furniture or items to put together….the first thing I do….is toss the instructions away. Its simple more fun this way.
  19. I lost 31 pounds in one month. Needless to say…it didn’t stay off. And living off 500 calories per day….is not advisable.
  20. I think I could write as well as John Steinbeck…but I just haven’t found the time to do so
  21. I am very sarcastic…extremely sarcastic….remarkably sarcastic….and its not about to go away.
  22. James Blunt is possibly the best singer alive today.
  23. I owned a 3-cyclinder Smart. It was a death-trap but gave me 45 miles per gallon. I owned it for 2.5 years. The leg and back pain I always noticed….disappeared three months after I sold it.
  24. I am enchanted by Socrates….the fellow was a blacksmith apparently (as rumors go) and just got chatty with folks by asking questions. After a while, he kinda left the blacksmithing routine and started irritate the heck out of folks by asking questions. He didn’t want to leave a single bit of text that he’d written, for history….for some stupid reason, his buddies all thought he was a genius and had to be remembered. Pretty neat I think.
  25. I do honesty hate Germans. They have no humor, no wit. It may be an interesting society but they really grind me the wrong way.
  26. I spent twenty-four hours in New York City….because of Delta and their issues….and it became one of the biggest ‘mini’ adventures of my life.
  27. I’m really not a Republican….but I could never refer to myself as a democrat….therefore I am condemned to hell.
  28. I went to Crete once for two weeks…and forgot to carry any underwear. Don’t ever forget your underwear and get there on a Saturday….cause no one sells underwear except men’s shops…on Monday….and if you are a large fella….remember the phrase “el grande”. And be prepared for Greek underwear that looks like you have a watermelon-sized butt.
  29. Given a choice…my most favored meal is three catfish, coleslaw, hush puppies, and French fries, with a large ice tea. And the only restaurant that can serve a 5-star meal is the Catfish Cabin in Athens, Alabama.
  30. I have grown accustomed to cats…but given a choice….a bordie collie is my choice of pet.
  31. I actually went to Rome one night…got up the next day and walked for twelve hours….slept that night…and flew back home the next morning.
  32. I worked under the legendary Major White of Bitburg. As a young Lt….he had some idiot causing sexual harassment against his female airman. Young Lt White offered the guy a chance to understand what’d he done wrong and the guy wouldn’t admit to such. Young Lt White blackened the eye of the offending party. As Major White offered his wit on this concept….if folks won’t obey rules…let them feel the pain. I thrived in the shadow of the Major
  33. You can build an entire presentation of complex ideas and a dozen slides….and NO script….with one run or practice with me sitting in the audience…..then ask me to present it to a wing commander in 30 minutes….and I’ll do it. I have NO fear.
  34. I grew up with a love of baseball. Steroids has ruined that vision of it being a sport.
  35. I grew up watching professional wrestling and roller derby. Nothing has lessen my love of either sport. (Yeah, I know both are fake). My old time fake wrestler? George “The Animal” Steele.
  36. The best drive in America is the run from Jackson, Mississippi on the Natchez Trace, to Nashville. The best drive in Europe? The Ring of Fire in Ireland.
  37. Bigfoot is not real…..nor Nessie. UFO’s are quiet possible. And cattle mutilations are real but triggered by a gov’t group who checks for radiation fallout from all the nuke testing in America. As of yet, I haven’t seen or witnessed a ghost.
  38. Evolution has occurred….so don’t bother arguing.
  39. I voted for Ross Perot once….just once.
  40. I’m the guy who sits at a mall for three hours….just observing people….quietly.
  41. I’ve spent six weeks of my life in Denmark, on vacations. I could live there permanently….but I’d be broke. Those Danes tax the hell out of a guy.
  42. I took a class in logic, while at McChord. This college class went on for twelve weeks. Not one single quiz or homework assignment. No final quiz. I got a “A” for the class. The funny thing is that I learned far more than one could possibly imagine.
  43. While stationed in Tucson Arizona for almost four years…..I ran 3,700 miles (I kept track). I once jogged 125 miles in one month. At one point, I could run seven miles without stopping in 90-degree heat. That was the peak of my fitness.
  44. I gave my boss from Bitburg $200 and got a satellite receiver and a 1976 Mercedes that was the most whacked up color of GREEN that you could imagine. The car was a beast and had sat in a barn for four years prior to him coming along. I owned it for five months, and even put $500 into fixing it up. The rear axle broke one day, and I gave the car away to some guy in my office. It was a sad day to see it gone.
  45. After umpteen years of my son and his ADS (attention deficit syndrome)….patience is the a virtue I was lucky to have.
  46. I didn’t own a credit card until I was 28. In those days, you paid $50 a year, and had a limit of $1000 to $1500 max. Maybe that was a good thing.
  47. I’ve never owned a house in the US….just 2.5 acres of prairie property south of Pueblo, Colorado, with one tree and one bush. There's a dirt road in front and its a 2-mile drive to the paved surface.
  48. As a kid around 13 & 14, I was reading easily 100 books per year. For an open hour in school (supposedly for study hall)….I read the encyclopedia (A-Z).
  49. I have seen every episode of the Three Stooges at least 40 times each.
  50. My favorite time of year is October, with rain falling and a chilly 48 degree temperature.
  51. From Lost, Sawyer is my most favorite character…..and you know he’s from Jasper, Alabama (fictionally).
  52. There is not a religion on the face of the earth today….that can convert me. I AM unconvertible. I have a strong distaste for Jehovah’s, Scientology, and Islamic folks.
  53. I consider Don Rickles, Flip Wilson, Buddy Hackett, Red Skelton, and Jon Stewart to be the best stand-up comedians of all time.
  54. The first time I drove up through the Grand Canyon….was in early December. I sat there on the side of cliff trail for about two hours. I really didn’t want to leave. I still consider that the most relaxing place on the face of the earth.
  55. I dressed as Santa once for a barracks Halloween party. I had a dozen girls come by and sit on my lap and tell me that they’d been “bad”. For some reason, I didn’t get the understanding of the expression until I was back to the room later with the guy dressed as the clown who explained what I failed to grasp. I still kick myself today.
  56. My quote? From Shakespeare: “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows, and in miseries.”
  57. I consider the Thing (original) and the Thing (Kurt Russell epic) to be the best science fiction movies ever made.
  58. In the ninth grade, we had intramural sports. My team (boys & girls) made up a volleyball team was beaten soundly on the first series (12-0) and we were down (11-1) when the shuffle of the server came to me. I proceed to serve the ball at the highest possible arch in the gym and was to come down smack dab in the middle of the opposite side….almost a direct shot down. It was slow motion for the other team and no would pick up on the ball, thinking the guy next to them would. We picked up 11 consecutive points with no returns. We proceeded with me serving into the next & last series (12 consecutive points, with only two return vollies). No one had ever served like that (so the gym coach said). Through the entire season (as captain of my team), we ended up with first place on the intramural squads (out of four).
  59. I cornered a skunk accidentally as a 11-year old kid. With BB gun in hand….I fired a shot or two….and he released on me. It took two hours of washing to get the smell of me.
  60. I joined the boy scouts as a kid….for 18 months…earning ZERO badges. I did it primarily to camp out with the guys. On our second camping trip….a huge rainstorm came up with lightning around midnight….so we evacuated from the hill and found refuge in a barn. An hour later…a tornado warning was issued within ten miles of us. Nothing ever came down.
  61. I lived in a barracks in Louisiana where a January arctic period came (5-10 degree weather for six days), and the building heat could only manage to stay up around 40 degrees. I bought a space heater for my room and blew my circuit a dozen times before giving up. I ended up buying six rose-scented candles at the BX and burned them one night to slightly heat the room (it did rise 8 degree above the norm)….but that rose smell was terrible.
  62. In the first three years after Kyoto, I actually believed a lot of the Al Gore chatter. Then I started reading the whole agreement….and found myself laughing at various things inserted into the document. Later, I read into the carbon credit game and just laughed more. I’m willing to believe in global cooling….but the rest of this game is a joke.
  63. I don’t have any tattoos and I really don’t care to get any.
  64. If I lived in a fictional world and really was in a bad situation…I’d want Seven of Nine, Teal’c, and Xena to rescue me.
  65. I’ve read Tom Sawyer around eight times.
  66. In a morale debate….when it comes down to a real discussion and pondering… one on the face of the earth can “outscore” me. From Plato and the Book of Job, to Socrates and Commander Adama (of Battlestar Galacticia)….I hold an arsenal of thought and analysis. I walk into the discussion with no question of my authority or reasoning.
  67. Lambrusco is the best Italian wine you can sip.
  68. If I ever say that I’d like to try a shortcut….the best thing to do is stop me. Otherwise….you might be on a glacier pass in the middle of the Alps.
  69. I regard the 1927 Yankees as the greatest team to ever assemble on a baseball field. No team in my mind ever exceed their capabilities.
  70. I would really like to buy a small houseboat and do the “grand circle” from Mobile to the Great Lakes, out to the St Lawrence Seaway, down the Atlantic coast, to Mobile.
  71. I sit and ponder how Baywatch and Knight Rider ever made it on national TV.
  72. NASCAR…simply doesn’t interest me….period.
  73. I know I ought to be writing books….thats the amusing thing about my life. I can’t make myself sit and wrote a 300-page document, but I can write 1500 pages of blogs easily.
  74. From Thanksgiving to Xmas in Germany….its crap. I’ve never enjoyed this period while living overseas and nothing in Germany measures up to an old-fashioned American Xmas.
  75. I have a lot of problems with religious folks who wander around and forbid medicine or medical treatment….in the name of God. God delivered all of the medicines and processes into our lousy hands….and some idiot wants absolute hands on treatment by God almighty?
  76. I traveled through Ripley once…and felt mighty obliged to stay. So I used that Ripley fantasy as my “front porch” and the “front” of the blog that you read today.
  77. I hate Sunday political chatter shows.
  78. Given a choice to play a role in a movie….I’d really like to play Elwood P. Dowd, the lead character on Harvey.
  79. I consider Katie Couric to be the worst newscaster ever brought to the major networks. Frank Reynolds from ABC was the best. Dan a nut. And as for the NBC Today Show? Three guys from Ecuador and a nun from Italy.....could make a better show.
  80. Ninety percent of the news on the networks is a joke, so I have to make up for it with two hours of reading per night on average.
  81. I consider Kit Carson to be the finest adventurer to ever walk the American West.
  82. T-bone steak and a baked potato on a hot Sunday afternoon….is a mighty fine meal.
  83. When I got left behind in Barcelona, Spain by the tour bus….my resolve and common sense were tested to the max. I had $14 in Spanish money, no phrase book and was 20 miles from my hotel. Only the phrase “McDonalds” saved me in the end.
  84. I would be mighty obliged to be the first dude to meet a visiting alien from another planet.
  85. I honestly believe a bunch of regular dudes built the Egyptian pyramids with nothing more than regular tools, sweat and bunch of empty promises from Egyptian politicians. I'm guessing some idiot promised a economic stimulus package for the pyramid boys.
  86. Deep down….9-11 was about Ossama and not Saddam….so we’ve wasted valuable time and effort. Rummy was a fool.
  87. Maps? I don’t need no stinking maps.
  88. I am 99 percent convinced that Oswald killed Kennedy alone….but then this Jack Ruby thing comes up and I ask myself….was Jack a true patriot for shooting Oswald in the parking lot…..and I just can’t make myself get past the Jack Ruby issue. And as for RFK….here is Sirhan Sirhan….all dazed and dopey after they apprehend him….and something just ain’t right. So I can’t be convinced.
  89. If I could only have three channels….I’d have Fox, the History Channel, and the Cartoon Channel.
  90. If I had been on Oceanic Flight 815 and landed on “Lost” island…..the entire mystery would have been solved in 24 hours….and I probably would have shot Ben on sight, with no doubts. If he ain’t helping me…..he’s a problem.
  91. At one time, I could listen to Rush Limbaugh for two hours. Today, twenty minutes is my limit. And for Doctor Laura….ten minutes. And Paul Harvey? Well...the dude ought to retire.
  92. My fondest memory of growing up were the yearly trips in the fall to the Lawrenceburg, TN county fair. My dad used to take us there and the best food in the world was at this fair. The last time I went….was October 1976. I drove up twice that week.
  93. For some reason…when crap happens in our division at the office….and there has to be someone to accompany the “boys” to the woodshed and explain to the “boss” what happened….in 98 percent of the cases….I’m accompanying them (though I hold no leadership role for the organization….as a contractor). My convincability and determination to shift the conversation….usually outweighs a 800 lb guerrilla. Its awful damn hard to win a argument against me…if I’m prepared.
  94. I’m the guy who’d like to jump in a car in Charleston and drive all the way to Seattle, alone, preferably.
  95. If you stand there to watch me….you might see how I drift back and am observing the situation and people. I’m plotting…and planning…and on the game of chess…I’m calculating eight plays ahead.
  96. I feel there is a conspiracy to use fat-free grease to cook burgers, fries and various greasy foods. Nothing taste as good… it used to.
  97. I absolutely hate free time with nothing to do.
  98. Vince Lombardi is the finest gentleman to ever coach NFL football.
  99. The Pride of the Yankees makes me weep every time it comes on TV.
  100. The best actor alive today…after Tom Hanks…is Huge Laurie from Doctor House. And I think Lucy Lawless from hot....but man....she can't act.