Thursday, 24 April 2008

Gunsmoke & the Sect Kids

The Texas folks say today....that the Sect kids are going to be sent to foster families....which the media quickly woke up and announced that most had never seen TV in their life and might be harmed.

I sat and pondered this....wondering what kind of harm Gunsmoke would bring?

Then I corrected myself....realizing that it had come and gone....with Three's Company....Gilligan's Island....Starsky and Hutch....and even the Walton's. All of the pure shows that I'd watched as a kid and become the moral giant that I am.

Yep....those kids are in for a shock about the real world. The first time they turn on M-TV? Man....it'll be a shock to see Fifty-Cent or Madonna. And then you got Lost? They will quickly learn that the man from Bama....Sawyer....is a hero to all who observe the show. Then they will watch Bay Watch.....and get some really hot babes.....and finally.....there is the remarkable and well written Knight Rider....with Kit killing guys left and right, and Micheal doing some really terrible acting.

Yes....those kids will be fairly disturbed from this introduction of American TV. It just ain't right.

So my advice here is simple....coming from a dude from Alabama. Limit them the first month...to Hee Haw only. Its pure and without any hot lust or such. Hee Haw is for Grandma or 6-year old kids. Hee Haw is never crude or witless. And Hee Haw is pure American music. So I'm asking....and pleading with them Texas judges....use the right dose of Hee Haw and preserve the innocence of these kids. Do it for George Bush. Do it for Cheney. Do it for Karl Rove. Please....just do it.

Wal-Mart and the Rice

So today....Wal-Mart has set a limit on how much rice you can buy at Sam's Club....in one day. 80 pounds.

Now....personally....since I'm not a rice-dude (I hate the stuff)....it shouldn't matter. But then I sat there and began to ponder this situation.

What guy needs 80 pounds of rice? In an entire year....my dad might eat six pounds of the stuff...at the very most. Most folks I know from the Air Force....might consume a total of twenty pounds a year max. So its kinda funny that Wal-Mart set this limit. Obviously....there are enough Asians in America and probably Latinos.....who are eating 80 pounds a week per family.....and this has triggered some kinda shortage.

Now I started to ponder this.....what if some folks get worried, and start buying 24-pack box of blueberry Pop-tarts? Would this trigger Sam's Club into limiting me to one 24-pack box per day? Or how about a 80 pound bag of potato chips? Could Wal-Mart limit me to just one 80 pound bag a day, and trigger a national emergency on potato chips?

So this got me a bit worried. What about a 80 pound bag of toilet paper? Could they limit me there? Or how about a 80 pound bag of chewing tabacco? Could they create a national catastrophic episode by limiting my chew (not that I chew)? What about limiting the amount of Mountain Dew I can buy per day to 48 cans? Could they do this? Oh how about 80 pounds of Preparation H? Could Sam's Club deny me my Preparation H?

So I sit here now....shaking and fearful....about my future. A fellow has certain rights....certain needs. If I want 80 pounds of grits....I ought to be able to buy it and store in the 1,000 square foot storage barn I keep for monthly needs (or in this case....decade needs).

Sam's Club holds a very big stick over us tonight. I'm pretty sure the managers are sitting there....plotting like some Democratic convention fellow....hoping that they can take away our natural right to buy 80 pounds of jock salve. Its a sad state when America has fallen apart....and these folks can control our needs. I'm just hoping that they don't run out of internet....otherwise....I may have to resort to penciling my blog on some treebark and storing it in the loft.