Saturday, 10 May 2008
In our mighty world....we worry.
We worry about gas prices, chicken prices, corn prices, electricity prices, natural gas prices, and pizza delivery prices.
We will worry about grandma's impending death, the dog who is fourteen years old this year, the 1978 Ford out back which is on its fourth transmission, and the tree that is leaning across the yard at a 12-degree pitch.
We worry about the store being out of grapes or strawberry's or melons. We will worry that the butcher might only have fatty sirloin steaks tomorrow when we shop.
We worry that our company is crapped-out with incompetent managers and bonus money flows like the Mississippi into the CEO's pocket while talks of a merger or a bankruptcy occur.
We worry about cheap airline tickets which are non-existent today. We worry about flying through JFK and if we might be stuck in Manhattan tonight at the Roosevelt, with a breakfast in the morning at $32 per person. We will worry about the 44-year old bus at Grand Central Station that would take us back to JFK, for $19 and whether the Koran guy understood what we asked.
We worry about the doctors office and whether every is sanitized there. We worry about the wonderful nurse doing our blood-pressure check who has the open blouse and a 44DD cup....and whether our blood pressure is accurate or over-accurate.
We worry about McDonalds switching over to fat-free fries. We worry that Wendys will give up on regular chilli and serve diet-chilli.
We worry if Pepsi will redo the receipe and add butterscotch to the receipe. We worry about Coke adding 33 more flavors of Coke, including one that has turnip-flavor and B-12 vitamins.
We worry about aliens who might come tonight and "probe" us. We worry that bigfoot might actually come out of the woods and engage with us into a conversation on nuclear physics, and we just aren't prepared for this nuclear chat. We worry about cattle mutilations and whether the black helicopters are really the nuclear department or from the Mexican Army.
We worry about Matt Lauer and if he might one day just walk off the stage of the Today Show and marry Britney Spears. We worry that Oprah might actually lose weight and keep it off. We worry that Jerry Springer might decide to run a true show and use real people. We worry that the networks might start a new soap opera for daytime TV entitled Washington Democrats (with sexy hot lust scenes).
We worry that Pro Wrestling might go bankrupt, with Roller Derby, and we'd be stuck with tennis or bowling to watch on Monday nights.
We worry that Mike Tyson might actually be able to act and get a Oscar next year.
We even worry about global warming, global cooling, global climate change, polars who might be dying or might be attacking environmentalists, and even the amount of peppermint in the air at any given time.
Frankly, we worry an awful lot. Not to criticize our magnificent world....but maybe things will just work out and tomorrow the sun will rise.....bacon and waffles will be in the air....and life will go on. Maybe. Just maybe.
Frankly, some of these skills are precisely what I have today. Yes....I can tell someone advice that matters in one sentence, if necessary. Yes....I can tell if someone is lying. Yes.....I can name a book that matters (you just won't read it though). Yes.....I can write a letter or even a blog. Yes.....I can calculate square footage. Yes.....I can shuffle a deck of cards and jump-start a car if necessary.
But then the skills got tough. No....cooking something like meat on something besides the grill.....why? Tell a woman her dress size.....doesn't she know already? Explain a light year.....I don't intend to travel in such a manner that requires a description. Know some bird types....sure....ok....chicken and turkey (turkey is better for a sandwich, I know). Negotiate a better price...if the guy put up a sign for $99....I'm assuming he is pretty sure about the price. Chop down a tree? Well...a chain saw is alot faster.
These skills that Esquire wrote up....just aren't on my list. My important skills would include (1) knowing the in's and out's of septic tank replacement, (2) making perfect ice tea, (3) slicing damn thin lemon slices for my ice tea, (4) setting the timing on a 1974 Chevy pick-up, (4) Grilling six different meats (including Ostrich) on the grill at one time, (5) knowing how to speak very very very low to the lady in the tube top at Dairy Queen so she has to lean over the counter, and (6) knowing how to evacuate New Orleans if a hurricane is forecasted. These are remarkable skills to have....and guys ought to learn them.
This week....at some base in the Air Force....this email came out:
From: (Building Manager) Civ USAF AFMC 753 ELSG/OM
Sent: Thursday, May 08, 2008 12:24 PM
To: 753 ELSG Bldg 1607 Occupants
Subject: New Burnt-out Bulb Replacement Program
The IAP (Replaced Del-Jen) Civil Engineering Contract does not provide for burnt-out bulb replacement and it is considered an “Occupant” responsibility for all lights at 10 feet and below. Our ceilings are 9 feet. IAP will replace bulbs in stairwells.
If you have any burnt-out fluorescent bulbs that need to be replaced, we have made a cart that has a ladder, safety goggles, and a supply of new straight and curved fluorescent bulbs. It also has separate boxes to place the burnt-out bulbs in.
It will be located in the Demo Room lobby.
It is recommended that you form a team of three. Bulb replacer, ladder holder, and bulb handler to give and take new and used bulbs. Safety goggles are provided and must be worn.
The lack of volunteers necessitates this new approach.Call (the building manager) at x3-6718 if you have any questions.
It is truly a fascinating E-mail. So to take out a stupid bulb....it takes three Air Force personnel. Using the old joke....it would have taken five Polish guys....but then maybe the three Air Force guys are a bit smarter. Sadly, they are not.
After twenty-two years in the military...I retired to become a systems contractor for the Air Force, and work in a vault...with lots of florescent bulbs. As indicated in this E-mail that they sent out.....none of the airman or NCOs I work with are volunteers to ever replace the bulbs.
But here in this case.....I would not want them to (try twisting a four-foot florescent bulb). I open the fixture and with a time-tested method of twisting the bulb... I remove the bulb. I've never broken a bulb in my life. It takes me 60 seconds to switch out a bulb. If I went around looking for volunteers, then searching for safety gear, and conducting the proper removal...I’d spend 30 minutes per bulb. Maybe I should rent myself out....just to change bulbs for the Air Force....but then I'd have to actually get paid REAL money and they wouldn't like that.
In recent days, the Junta of the country....who really run everything....have probably made themselves look as foolish as they possibly can. They don't care. They don't ever leave the country....and if they do...its strictly to run out to Hong Kong or Malaysia for a weekend. The country has no industry and makes almost no money. Tourism is non-existent. Nothing really matters. Folks have been talking about this for twenty years and the UN never grasped that this is a serious situation.
So close to a 100,000 folks are dead in Burma. And within a month....there could be another 100,000 dead from starvation or disease. By August....maybe even another hundred thousand. It doesn't matter.
So the UN will sit there and argue and argue and argue....while people die. You can't force help upon these idiots. Even the US Air Force is debating just dropping tons and tons of food and water to the affected areas....to avoid landing there. They aren't worried about being shot down because Burma doesn't even have the ability to defend their air space.
The saga of this event starts last year, when Nick became friends with a US Marine and the two were going out driving around town for a day. Hulk bought the guys a case of beer (with a credit card). The silly thing is that Nick is underage...and got a bit drunk while driving....then caused a accident where the Marine was hurt in some permanent way (at least we think this). The guy may not walk again (at least we think this).
Within a few weeks after the episode, Hulk's wife Linda filed for a divorce and is seeking the house and half the fortune. Quietly, this divorce case moves....through the California courts (although Linda is not a California resident....she merely packed up and moved there after the accident). Covering and protecting assets? Maybe....maybe not.
This is a family where you really can't tell if they are real or just acting. I would give all four members a Oscar, if I could. I think Linda is probably as good as Betty Davis, the Hulk can act as good as Clark Gable, Nick can probably cover the shadow of Timothy Dalton, and Brooke might be the next Greta Garbo. Well....maybe I'm pushing Brooke a bit too much....but maybe.
Nick has a eight-month sentence, and will likely get a month or two off for good behavior. I'm suspecting he will admit some drug problem immediately and then they have to put him into a half-way facility to "fix" his drug problem (which likely doesn't exist). Micheal Vick used this trick....and I'm sure Florida has the trick available. Meanwhile, settle back for Monday nights....as the Hulk returns in American Gladiators.
They are a lovely couple. Jim and Dawn Gibbons. Well....they were a lovely couple.
Jim, you see, got elected governor of the great state of Nevada and got to move into the governor's mansion out there. Things were kinda smooth the first couple of months, and then a situation occurred.
Jim decided after twenty years, it was time to trade in the old wife. Dawn apparently, disagreed, or at least she had a plan B.
Jim figured she would just leave the governor's mansion as he put the divorce paperwork in....but she won't do that. Nope....why leave?
So Jim has sought a court order to order her out of the governor's mansion. So far, nothing has occurred and some Nevada folks are thinking that the judge won't touch this episode.
Dawn says that she just can't understand why he'd want to divorce her. Then she adds that "I can hardly make it through the day". But move out? Oh no, thats just not possible. She has various wife of the governor duties and can't find time to move.
Meanwhile, state affairs....corruption....revenue issues....tax issues....and just government work is being stalled in Nevada. Folks are concentrating more on the governor than the hot lusty waitress at the Waffle House....which doesn't make sense. And Dawn? I have this sinking feeling that she intends to run for governor when this mess is cleared up. Jim may have to pay up a huge chunk of money....to fix this episode. My advice for Jim....pay off the gal quick or face the conseqences.
Out in the real world....out past Ripley, Red Bay, and Iuka....there is Berkeley, CA. For a number of months there....in this one-horse town....the Marine recruiting station has been confronted by Code Pink.
For those from Iuka, who haven't heard of Code Pink....they are a bunch of liberal wussies....usually dressed in pink, very anti-Bush, anti-war, anti-this, anti-that. They confronted the Marines at the downtown recruiting facility using just about every tactic possible.
This week.....they started using black magic. They even admit it in public. They took to wearing the witches black hats and reciting incantations (although we can't confirm if these are Harry Potter-authorized or just random made up incantations). The Marine captain in charge of the station says it really hasn't fazed him much. He hasn't grown a tail yet or found a dragon out in his front yard.
I was sitting there and pondering the situation....thinking that these Code Pink folks need to feel reality....which a voodoo doll might give. If the Marine captain was smart....he'd get a couple of these and position them in the front window of the recruiting station. The Code Pink crowd might get a bit disturbed over that, but then they may have earned a minute or two of voodoo.
Things started to unravel at this point. Mary had consulted with her local religious "Bishop" after she placed Magdeline on the toilet two months prior and noted her dead. The "Bishop" said to leave her be.....and pray for her. Yep....to raise her from the dead.
The cops removed both kids from the house....a 15-year old girl and a 12-year old boy. Mary is likely going to enter some mental facility for a significant amount of time. And the "Bishop"....well....he actually got arrested somewhere in the middle of this business as well. The amusing thing....the 12-year old boy discussed the situation with the cops....and said for a fair amount of time, he had been considering running away. The "Bishop" apparently kept reinforcing the situation. The "Bishop" even told the boy and girl that they'd have to go to public school (home-schoolers apparently) if the death did actually occur, and they sure didn't want to go to public school (yep, real smart). The cherry on this cake was that the old gal who was dead....was the sole money-maker with her social security check....so the family needed the check to survive.
The "Bishop" was a smooth talker throughout this entire mess....telling mom that demons were holding the old woman down and making it appear she was dead but she wasn't. I'm thinking the "Bishop" needs six months in a mental facility as well.
It is a pitiful situation, and the only positive is that both the kids are out of this house. I'm guessing they will be fairly non-religious in life after experiencing this situation.