Sunday, 1 June 2008

The Ten Forbidden Blog Topics

Someone asked me several months ago if there ever any topics that a blogger should not discuss. I thought for a second....and said there probably were.....but they weren't apparent at the time. So I've sat and wondered about this until I came up with the list of ten.

First....never blog on a wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend or spouse. They are usually too stupid to grasp your blog and you are merely asking for trouble.

Second....never blog on your co-workers in a negative way....because they might accidentally discover one day that you do blog, and you did mention the big screw-up they accomplished or the missing day on the last business trip they took. The boss might also discover what has been happening to those seven other pallets of toilet paper that got delivered each month and disappeared. And the HR guy might be upset to learn that you never worked at the last company that you claimed.

Third....never blog about your mother-in-law. They usually are too stupid to even know how to browse, but they might discover your site, and then find your 66 different complaints about them and their housekeeping skills. Its not worth the pain. They might also be upset if you estimated their bra size or their weight. They might be upset if you talked critically about their flower garden or their living room.

Fourth....if you are real religious....just don't blog ever on your local church, your minister or your friends at the church. This is especially true if you are Baptist and mentioned having visited Vegas or sipped booze or ever gone to a strip-bar. Don't mention to your Pentecostal group that you've never talked in tongues and that you've been faking it.

Fifth....its best not to post pictures of your neighbor's backyard or the lousy septic tank job they did or the car on the blocks or the neighbor's wife who suns herself with no clothing in the late afternoon.

Sixth....don't blog politics unless you really want trouble.

Seventh....don't blog about kinky fantasy stuff like women wearing fisherman's waders or the combat uniform that you bought via "Lonesome Solder". Don't mention stuff about the hidden cabin you have on dad's property in upstate NY where you and the wife go each year to experience nude outings. Don't blog about the affair you are having with the Krespy Kreme gal. Don't blog about the Mexican housekeeper you hired that does "other stuff". Don't blog about the fourteen piercings you had accomplished last year and have pictures of each to show.

Eighth.....don't blog about "Lost" or "Battlestar Galacticia" or "House" or "Bonanza" or "Gilligan's Island" or "Baywatch", unless you've watched the shows.

Ninth....don't blog about dead relative or friends who owed you money and died. Its a waste of a blog and you might as well forget about the damn money. And its not necessary to explain that they wasted the money on hookers in Memphis or bought a truckload of Russian vodka from Canada.

Tenth....don't blog on aliens or UFOs or bigfoot or Nessie in a serious fashion. If you start quoting from News of the World....your blog is bogus and not worth reading (normally).

FEMAville: No More


They began in October of 2005....after Hurricane Katrina. They lasted until this weekend.....till FEMA said no more. FEMAville was where you could go and live in a government-procured RV tailer (with formaldehyde issues) and be part of a community of folks who were all homeless. There were a number of these trailer parks set up by the state...and folks just naturally stayed....and stayed....and stayed.

Last year...the FEDs decided that this wasn't a permanent solution and wanted everyone to move into apartments or homes....or you could suggest just leaving the region as well. The state had tired of this trailer park scheme and the locals were all pretty negative about the rift raft that existed with the parks.

When you study the history of FEMA....this was the first time that they ever got into the wholesale purchase effort of emergency homes. Other similiar efforts had occurred when the world's fair came to Knoxville....and several hundred trailers were brought in to house the visitors....which were never really used and thus the trailers sat there empty for the most part. I'm guessing FEMA has learned a lesson....and maybe the folks of New Orleans have learned a lesson....maybe.

FEMAville became a close-knit community....folks chatted out on the porch area....sitting around in lawn chairs....and grilling burgers at nightfall. Life was simple and without alot of hassle. There probably is a good movie to be produced here...of love gone good or love gone bad in FEMAville....or the problems of trailer trash wanda and her five boyfriends....or the favorite evening recipes that folks made up to grill out on the front of the RV trailer. And now? No More....no more....no more.

The Half-less of Florida

So it is written in stone and signed by the mighty DNC....you of Florida....count for half. As we have learned today....it doesn't matter what 600,000 of you say....it counts for half in the convention center in two months.

The most amusing thing....they now assign a total delegate count of 1877.5. Yes.....point five. I can the delegation right now....the guy picked as the "half-wit"....and representing the mighty state of Florida....to be counted as the half-vote. This is reminding one of the Southpark theme of Manbearpig....half-man, half-bear, half-pig....then you suddenly realize....it can't be like that. But in this scenario....it must be like that.

Adding to this DNC meeting....by the end...when the reporters wanted someone to explain the process....one member started to explain....when another (probably a Hillary supporter)....yelled "shut up" at them. Then the talker stared back and yelled "you shut up". The most dimwited quote of the whole episode? “We will leave here more united than we came,” by Hillary's Alice Huffman. I kinda doubt that there is any unitedness to this episode. Neither side got what he or she desired. Plus there is still no real winner.

So what happens now? Nothing much. My bet is that the super-delegates who have not declared (200 of them) will now shut up and hide out. They haven't declared yet....which is a curious thing. You would think that between the pressure and the party....they would have made a decision. I'm thinking as a couple of blocks here....they are waiting for one of the two candidates to really screw up the next month or two while waiting. Some comment....some position....some bit from the past....will arise....and answer the vote question.

As for the Republicans? They have the perfect campaign to run in Florida and Michigan in November.....we'll count you as a real voter....we don't halve any person....and we think only an idiot would do so.

Cavemen & Chat

For a fair amount of time....I have pondered the way of cavemen. I didn't ever take the right classes to get "smart" on these things....and fortunately I did watch the 99 different BBC shows that have featured the lives of caveman...to get a vision of the past.

So my analysis.....

Caveman version 1.0 was a little guy who was lean and fast....to avoid being eaten by predators...and I would imagine his entire vocabulary consisted of probably six words: danger, happy, run, dead, agree, and disagree. Thats about it. They had to eventually to a vocabulary meaning to let others know of predators coming near and the term run had to be part of that vocabulary. They likely had a simple word for happiness to let others know of their own feelings. You had to have some meaning word for agree or disagree....to settle a difference within a clique. And then there is the word "dead"....which had to signify the member of the clique who wasn't fast enough to avoid the predator, or just got sick and was no more.

Caveman version 2.0 got smarter....an adventurous soul...still facing predators....and wanting more communication amongst his crowd. I have come to the conclusion that there are approximately 101 words to make their life complete, and then whatever number to signify animal or plant life nearby (which could be another 101....I would imagine).

The words? Wind, storm, rain, fog, lightning, and snow had to be part of the 101 to describe their weather. To deal with life sustainment: eat, water, thirst, fresh, blanket, cook, sour, bitter, food, and hunger. To deal with descriptions: big, little, soft, hard, young and old. To deal with daily activities: fire, ice, cold, hot, good, bad, broke, sick, agree, disagree, rock, arrow, funny, cover, and break. To deal with describing one's body: foot, hand, arm, stomach, hurt, child, head, tired, sleep, lick, alive, blood, finger, diarrhea, fever, and itch. To deal with your environment: night, cave, mountain, tree, stream, burnt, and wood. To deal with threats: kill, alive, hear, run, fast, slow, and enemy. To deal with friendship or leading the group: friend, make, mine, yours, share, come, our, lost, crazy, and home. Then I came to the words...you'd have to use sooner or later: up, down, full and empty.

It is a rather simple life to run around and have a maximum vocabulary of two hundred odd words for life and for plants/animals. If you sit and pause....to consider their lifestyle....there isn't alot of things to discuss. You don't have Jerry Springer on at 1AM. You don't know about the evil of Bush. You haven't ever seen Katie Couric. You get up at sunup and drink from the stream. You go and relieve yourself (preferably outside of the cave)....then wipe with a leaf. If summer is in swing...you found berrys or fruit to eat upon. You had a slab of meat from the last kill still left over.

At some point....Krug would come over and suggest to you that the boys were ready to go and hunt....which was the only real activity for a guy. You didn't play pool or refinish the floor or surf on the internet. So you guys left....and you tried to be back by nightfall. There weren't alot of planning done on this hunt business. You took the sticks or arrows....and you simply started walking in one direction. Eventually you, Krug and the boys would find some animal to make the kill....or you'd capture a couple of fish to bring back.

The fire would be set and the cavewomen would be busy hustling up grub. You might make some joke over how the fish were caught or how Krug was getting slow....everyone would have a laugh....and then an hour after nightfall....you'd be sleeping on your mat....for a good ten hours....to awaken the next day.

It was a simple life....that 101 words would be enough.