Saturday, 14 June 2008

2100: Doom, Doom, Doom

Since reading of the coming Armageddon in ABC's 2100: End of Civilization.....I've been pondering these "end of days.

After blogging that bit yesterday on 2100....and its impact....I can readily see the vision now.

Yes....now with the evidence from the anticipated September viewing of 2100: End of Civilization....I can now chill out and relax. I feel better now. It has been haunting me for years....this continual year after year....no end....just the same old crap. But now....knowing that its official and ABC is going to help publicize it.....the end is near.

For those of you who bought the life-long warranty on the riding lawn mower that you paid $8k for.....yep....you can feel cheated now. That mower won't exist after 2100.

For those of you who had money set aside for nephews and grandkids....don't waste a minute. Take that money out and spend it on hell-raising, gambling, hookers, drugs, and wasted weekends in Mexico. Buy four hundred pounds of play-doh and drink whiskey like a champ.

That greasy stuff that isn't real grease that you've been using for fries and catfish....dump that stuff down your toilet and buy yourself 100 percent real fatty grease.

The pallet at Wal-mart of 500 pounds of charcoal....buy the pallet you idiot....and burn that stuff as quickly as possible. Eat beef....eat it like its going out of style.

Enjoy every last glorious day until 2100 and the end. Don't let this bit of pessimistic behavior hinder your lifestyle. When your buddy gets tickets to a New York Jets game, and you gotta drive 36 hours to get there from Mobile....DO IT. Drive every bit of the way in a luxery SUV and toss every aluminum can of beer out the window along the interstate. Don't worry about trash....we got less than 90 years of life left on this damn planet. Use or lose it.

Those idiot neighbors who have bothered you and the wife constantly....walk over and dig on their septic tank and fire fifty rounds of ammo into the bottom. To hell with them. Shoot their car tires out while standing there...for good measure.

The pontoon boat that Uncle Jeff denied you last summer....go down and sink the damn thing at the dock. Don't worry about retribution....we got 90 years of life to go, and then the big damn end.

ABC was right.....don't lie....don't fake the truth.....just let us have it. We need to live like giants and enjoy what little remains in our miserable lives. The high school reunion where you were going to skip next year? Don't skip it....dump that husband of yours and hire some NY City male model to escort you.

The Baptist minister who kept talking about your future standing in the church and moving up as a possible deacon one day....forget it....go to Vegas, Memphis, and New Orleans. Get a real life and lose all the reputation that you've wasted time earning.

ABC is absolutely right....we needed this show of theirs in September....to set our compass on the right direction. And when they sit there....quietly suggesting "change"....don't even fake yourself out....its the right kind of "change" that needs to be done. Its not Obama that you need....it's giving up on life and living for the moment and knowing this new improved "change" will make the end so much better.

I'm whacked out on "change" now. I've sipped three or four Mountain Dews, and had half-a-box of cheese crackers....and damn....I feel good. So when the September show of 2100: End of Civilization comes on....get the right message. Feel the "change", and then enjoy. Life never felt better.

I'll probably wake up in the morning with a headache from the Dew....but damn....it was a good caffeine attack.

Oh, and rumor has it that ABC has some plan for a special two-hour news piece...."The Wonderful World of Technology in 2100". It'll be a damn fine show....I'm sure. Other rumors include a two-hour news piece called...."America: Holy Hell in 2100", and "2100: Our Land on Mars" and "Freaky Hollywood Bimbos in 2100". Its all probably one guy from Red Bay, Bama writing this stuff for them.

World of Warcraft: Bama Style

So this is what we know.....this dude.....Morgan Jones.....27 years old.....had to appear in Franklin County court this week (in Bama, near by hometown).....on charges relating to kidnapping and raping a teen girl. The local guys would like to attach federal charges and still chatting about this possibility.

So here is the jest of Morgan....he's a gamer....a World of Warcraft gamer (the folks I really dislike). He apparently got into various chats and discussions with this girl up in Idaho, who is also a WOW player....and happens to be 14. She lives in the town of Boise.

Morgan got along so well with her....and things got so heated....that he just plain put down the WOW game for two whole days....and drove to Boise to pick up his associate and drive her back to the land of Bama. Its hard to say what was on his mind, except his true love was into WOW....and its hard to find a real woman (not a imaginary woman), who would be into WOW and him. Her momma reported her missing around 28 May and Morgan was discovered with his girlfriend five days later....at a campground in Bama. Some kinda tip occurred.....probably some Baptist tip....that led local county deputies to the Palouse Falls State Park. Morgan and his lady friend (all of 14 years old), were apparently having a pretty lusty time in a tent they'd pitched there at the park.

Apparently....the charges are pretty much all felony related and he might be spending more than five or six years in a state prison. The state guys are hoping for federal charges....thus invoking a federal prison.

Right now....Morgan sits in a Franklin county fail....on $50k bail. I'm thinking none of his relatives will be stupid enough to offer up money. As for denials....well....actually both the girl and Morgan admitted to having alot of lust....an awful lot of lust....on numerous occasions, between 29 May and 2 June.

Apparently, the girl has returned to safe Boise with her mother....and I'm guessing that Mom has outlawed World of Warcraft for the time being. As for how long this girl stays there....I'm betting twelve months....and she will be seeking out other older guys....and leaving again.

Her true love? Morgan? Well....he might want to get good with the other prisoners and get used to a five-year sentence. I kinda doubt he will be playing World of Warcraft anymore....for a long, long time.

Bama Meeting "Bama"

This week....some fine fellas from the Alabama National Guard are boarding a passenger plane and heading off to Romania. This is apparently part of some federal project, where states and national guards are paired up with "new friends" of America, who are a bit on the poor side. This is called the State Partnership Program. Apparently, some congressmen and senators put funding in, and our guys get a fine week visiting Romania. As for discussion? Well....the best we can offer is the comment "issues, programs and guidance".

There are several things to ponder here. First....its hard to imagine a fella from Bama....offering up advice on "issues, programs and guidance", unless we were talking about catfish ponds, septic tanks, Baptist Revivals, and corruption amongst local police. We might know a bit on boozing it up quietly and not getting caught. We might even know some stuff about hunting and fishing....which we'd proudly share for a beer or two.

The boys are likely staying at a semi-fancy hotel in Romania...probably in Bucharest. You'd have to stay at a 4-star place. For those who've never been there....this star business matters greatly. With a one-star....you'd typically get a GI bunk bed, a picture painted in 1968 by some blind guy, and a window that doesn't open or close. The cleaning lady for the one-star is likely to smile at you as you enter....with her one tooth....and hint to you that she is readily available any time....any day....anywhere. At the two-star....you get a queen sized bed with sheets which haven't been changed since 2003, a wardrobe to put your suit in but the doors are broke, and a toilet that flushes 24 hours a day, seven days a week....continually. The three-star? It includes something they call coffee (but taste like soap) free in the morning, a fresh pillow each day that smells like goat chesse, a friendly guy next door who a 70-year old hooker visiting each night, and some free soap that actually takes your chest hair off when applied literally. This is why you have to ask for the four-star place....where the cleaning lady has eight teeth and smiles at you with her glass eye looking at the other direction, the bed is ok except for the spring which sticks into your butt, and the fan on the ceiling is set to maximum turbo and can't be turned off.

The neat thing about this type meeting....if you had to pick any state which is kinda like Romania....its Bama...hands down. Folks in Romania are pretty simple and not demanding. They can get by with a beer and some pork. They don't care what they drive in....as long as it runs. They install septic tanks the same way as us. They even have corrupt local cops.....who hand out bogus traffic tickets....just like us.

I'm thinking this'll be one heck of a week in Romania for these Bama folks. It might even be the first trip outside of the US for some of these Guard guys. They will go back home, and tell Wanda Jean that Romania is pure heaven for a Bama fella to visit....and start discussing a summer vacation next year....with the family to Romania. I'm just hoping that the boys brought along a Baptist minister to keep after them to stay cleansed and of pure spirit....and not chase any hot lusty Romanian women.

A Mighty Step For Bama

This week, a state senator from Bama, Hank Erwin of Montevallo, put in a bill to adopt the South Carolina-type car tag...."I Believe", as a Bama car tag (currently, we are forunate enough to have only slogans on our tags...."Stars Fell on Bama" and "God Bless America".

This new tag slogan...."I Believe"....would represent a proclaimation on God, faith, and the family....as Hank explains it.

There are two things that I observe here. First....a whole bunch of pressure is going to be put on Baptist members to switch their tags over and get a "I Believe" tag. I'm reckoning that the deacons will be out in force as folks park their cars in the lot.....checking who has and who doesn't. The minister will jump on those folks to adopt the new tag and get with the program. It'll be a sign of faith, if you have a "I Believe" tag....and if you don't....you have to be in league with Satan or Ozzie Ozborn.

Second....for those of my devious mind.....we could easily put a bumper sticker of our own making next to the tag saying "....in Aliens", ".....in Bigfoot", ".....in lusty women", "....in the Braves", "....in Budweiser", and ".....in perfect septic tanks". Yep, across Bama....I'd have my shops set up and making your personalized "I Believe" saying and you affix it to the car bumper right next to the tag. I'd make $200k the first year and retire by the third year to Orange Beach.

I say more power to Hank Irwin....although we must admit....those South Carolina folks had the idea first, and we are merely second on making this a possibility.

Shopping Lists, Not Blueprints

It is a strange expression...."shopping lists, not blueprints".

Basically, you have the WWF....not the old World Wrestling Federation...but the greenhouse gases & global warming & climate change & global cooling crowd....saying this.

They want to set new measures up....to replace the climate targets which expire in four years. Course, things aren't working too well in Germany as nations meet and discuss this entire matter. Folks are likely sitting around and collecting on some great per diem, lounging at 5:30 at the 5-star hotel in Bonn, and eating some fine pork cutlets.....then having a great weekend in Amsterdam and smoking plenty of fine....mary-j-u-wanna, then coming back to Bonn on Monday to waste more time. I often wonder why I can't get a job like that.

Things were supposed to be worked out during this two week period, in order to have a fine outstanding week-long meeting in Denmark at the end of next year. I'm guessing another two-week trip will be required by December of this year...maybe in Greece or southern Italy....at another fine 5-star hotel.

Kathrin Gutmann (the climate policy coordinator for the WWF) even described this meeting as "feeble". She said: "The science tells us that governments need to think at a much larger scale of action than ever before to get climate change under control".

I paused when I read the comment "under control". The mighty earth? Under control? Surely they jest. For hundreds of millions of years....there has been a spin and a wobble....with just about everything you could want except climate control. To expect the impossible, is a wonderful goal....and its certainly enough for me to meet at a 5-star hotel for two weeks to discuss imaginary solutions to a imaginary situation in a imaginary world.