It is an affliction....a pain in some ways. I am forever stuck in the 4th gear of pondering. I get up and ponder. I get into the car to drive to work....and I ponder. I sit at the desk and ponder. I go to lunches alone (purposely) to ponder for a full hour. I walk between buildings and ponder. I leave and go home in the evening....to ponder all the way home. I sit and watch mindless German TV shows in the evening....and ponder.
As a kid, the teachers labeled me simply as a quiet kid.....often the "shyness" label would have been attached....which I might have deserved fifty percent of the shyness but the rest was sitting and pondering....which left this gap of quietness as something they'd notice.
I would get into a car and drive eight hours....remembering much of nothing from the eight hour drive....maybe a bit of scenery here and there....and the rest was simply pondering. Even when I quietly sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon or stood on a bridge to observe London in mid-day....I was really pondering.
A thousand questions float through my mind in a average day. Why? Where? How? When? What?
I sit and observe the oddball clothing that someone wears. I look at the watches they wear, the jewerly, the hair in place or out of place, and even the limp they might have.
I'm burning braincells like crazy....I'm sure of that. I'd like to find peace....but frankly....its an hour or two of a movie or show....that take me from this affliction. I can't even really listen to a musical CD....without thinking these days. I write words in my mind on a hour by hour basis. I could probably write an entire book each day....with every thought that moves through my mind.
I never discuss this or ever bring it up. It doesn't really matter....at least I think that (I'm probably pondering the topic anyway).
I listen to interviews on the radio and find myself wanting to question the guy at the other end. I have doubts in their words, their agenda, their wisdom. I'm stuck with no way to toss back these doubts and simply label them for future thoughts.
The amusing thing is that there is no real job for a guy with this "situation". I can't make millions off it. I can't redevelop the state of Texas or fix their problems. I can't settle the UFO debate or knock down these stupid Harvard, Yale or Princeton financial degree dimwits. I could fix Ford, but then it wouldn't be the same old Ford that we're used to. I could be governor of Bama.....but then I'd have to fire half of the state workers because they just won't work.
So the sun will rise tomorrow.....and I'll restart this pondering process....and see how far I get. Thats the thing about it.....I'm never out of topics....and I'll likely circle some topics a thousand times or so. Life is damn short....but I'm pondering just how far I can take it.