Thursday, 9 April 2009

The Magnificent Lance Armstrong


Today, some of my most favorite folks....those kindly French anti-doping agency folks....came up and announced that seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong (the greatest man who ever lived)....violated its rules and that they just might punish Lance. Its a curious thing....the French dudes tested Lance's hair, urine and blood on the 17th of March. Shockingly enough....they could not find any traces of drugs.

But, in a rather unshocking situation.....the anti-doping dudes said that the doctor involved in their testing process while meeting Lance.....that Lance simply did not "respect the obligation to remain under the direct and permanent observation of the tester".

What they mean? Well....I'm guessing they met Lance at the door while he was in undergarments, wearing high heels, stockings, a wig, and some French lipstick....and then said he'd have to change for the French doctor...back into his regular Lance outfit. By exiting the room....Lance violated some kinda French respect....well....I can only guess this....since they didn't want to explain their details.

Since the French dudes would really like to make Lance's life miserable....I think there is only one thing to do...have a pay-per-view moment rigged up where and if the anti-doping French dude shows up at Lance's place....let Lance stand, pull out his manliness in full view of the camera, the French dude, and eighty million people...and start peeing as hard and as fast as possible. If the French dude can get the glass bottle in the way and catch some Lance piss...that'll be fine and dandy. Give all of them a fine view....as much as possible.

My feeling is that once we do this...and French women see the magnificentness of American men, and their body functions at full speed....they will start dropping French men left and right. The Germans and the Greeks will see this...and quickly follow suite....pulling their manliness out and going turbo on pee.

Lance will make $40 million off the pay-per-view deal....and eventually...he'll offer to sponsor all of the Tour-de-Farce by himself.

Just my two cents. Obviously, I don't intend to cross the border and test the wreath of French pee testers.

Back to Bama and the Murders

Its been two days now since the murder-suicide in my home region of Bama. Not much more has come out. Kevin Garner was regarded as a pretty good worker and few had any differences with the guy. Few can offer any solid explanations over the entire episode....a wife dead....both kids.....his sister, and her kid. I knew both him and the sister....at least in junior high school.

Some say.....that he was a bit on the absolute disciplined side....from his diet to his philosophy in life. He wasn't the type to accept changes.

I paused looking over this story....and the dozens of others of the past year or two. In most of the cases.....this is the same way.....there is a quick investigation to show the guy accomplished all of them. There might be an autopsy but since there is no one to prosecute......no one is looking very far. The lab will sign off the paperwork and life will go on.

I am going to offer a radical view....to fit this episode....and dozens upon dozens of others. There are a good number of people who today are on legal medication....from pain-killers for the back to light-depression drugs. Some are on diet pills and others are doing an occasional oxy-pain killer which the neighbor gave them forty to get them by when their pains come around. If I took an honest survey of 1,000 folks in the region where I live....from ages 18 to 70.....I'd make a pretty good guess that six hundred are doing something.....either legal or illegally.

If you show up for a routine medical exam and are thirty pounds over....he might recommend something over-the-counter. You start popping two of those, instead of one, and then toss back twice the amount of caffein of a regular person....and suddenly, you are very perky and jumpy. Someone might notice, but the odds are....they will just overlook it.

So you have these folks mixing and matching drugs, caffein, various pepped up drinks, booze, and various illegal drugs.....and you start to have a guy who was having problems with relatives....going with the attitude that all relatives are against him. No matter what you say....he'll think otherwise. The same could occur with a woman with five kids, who thinks they are against her.....and she kills all five.

So the question is....did Kevin Garner do so drugs? Some pain killers?

At this point.....no one will really care, and the paperwork will be signed and life will go on. The funerals will speak of loved ones, and some folks will blame various things. By that evening.....sixty percent of the crowd at the funeral will pop a pill or do some illegal drugs.....sip a bit of booze, and try forget the whole mess.