Ten Strange Things That Could Happen On Wednesday

With Tuesday's election coming....I'm going to take my pondering to the next level and make ten strange predictions that could possibly happen on Wednesday morning of next week.

One.  Harry Reid, having realized that he lost by four percentage points (52:48), announces that he is formerly retiring immediately and requests that the Nevada governor appoint someone else to his position.  Three days later, Harry's son is appointed senator for the remaining eight weeks.  NPR correspondents are left speechless in trying to explain how and why this occurred.

Two.  In Alaska, Senator Lisa Murkowski loses the race by one point (Miller edge up to 39 percent, Lisa at 38 percent, and the democarat at 20 percent, with rest between other candidates).  A battle starts on Wednesday as write-in ballots are challenged.  At least fifteen ballots have the expression "Lisa the Cow" listed, and a judge is called in to suggest they meant Murkowski, but that's openly challenged in court.  The race is now signed as final until mid-December.  The Supreme Courts sits in fear of having to decide if fifteen idiots in Alaska who wrote "Lisa the Cow" meant Murkowski or someone else.

Three. Keith Olbermann of MSNBC goes into a emotional fit on Tuesday evening and is so distraught that a doctor is called in.  The doctor orders a full week of bed rest before he can return to the studio.

Four.  NPR analysts spend all of Wednesday explaining how Americans have lost their understanding of politics and gone into a spiral.  Strangely enough....some folks start calling their local public station and asking if jazz, opera and classical music could be shifted into a three-hour slot around noon when NPR news comes on.  The public radio stations start to get worried as hundreds of calls come in each day asking for this shift.

Five. The President launches into a week-long silence period...spending it mostly in India and not saying much about the loss.  When he finally does talk....he's indicating some relations will be used in dealing with the Republicans and the 2011 looks like a rebuilding year.  The press asks what team-building skills he will use in this effort, and he mostly grins without any verbal answers.

Six.  Hillary Clinton will probably be the happiest that she's been in years...on Wednesday.  No other comment is necessary.

Seven.  By Wednesday night, it'll be discovered that eighty-eight dead folks within the city limits of Houston voted.  Some had been dead for eight months.  An inquiry will start across the whole state of Texas, demanding an end to voting rights for dead people.  Strangely enough....Democrats will suggest this is a farce and not necessary.

Eight.  At least one network comes out by Wednesday night, and makes a direct policy change that any correspondent, analyst, or journalist who calls anyone a "bitch" or "SOB", will be terminated, with no hearing required.  Several other networks will adapt the "bitch" rule within the next six months.  Some companies take up the "bitch" or "SOB" rule as well...and by the end of 2011....everyone has learned to just say "B-word" or "S-word-plus" (S-word originally meant slut, if you were curious), instead of what they really meant.

Nine.  At least twenty different Democrats are coming out on Wednesday to indicate that they are interested in becoming the chief Democrat spokesperson in the House in January....over Pelosi (who won incidentally).

Ten.  Nineteen Democratic senators and at least three Republican senators....sit in mortal fear of the next two years on Wednesday evening.  The 2012 election puts their jobs on the line.  If the President halts the friendly neighbor routine by July of 2011....and goes into the "burn-the-bridges" routine for the next eighteen months....then their chances of getting re-elected is less than fifty percent in November 2012.  These twenty-two individuals needs legislative accomplishments and a cooling-off period of at least twelve months.  Sitting, waiting...off in the shadows...is the Tea Movement....prepared for the next round of action.

Just a humble bit of analysis.

The Tube

This coming Monday will be a special day.  It's the beginning of an era.  This is the day when you can walk into a Piggly Wiggly or Kroger store or Sam's Club....and buy Scott toilet paper....in the natural tube-free roll.

I realize some of you hadn't ever thought about this necessity of life.  I've often sat in dorms, Air Force office buildings, the Pentagon, airports, combat zones, and porta-potties, and thought about the impact of the end piece....the cardboard item itself.

My guess is some environmental guys just suggested that this would be a good idea, but everyone just shook their head over how to make tube-free toilet paper.  Then, in a moment like you'd expect....they'd call for the Auburn engineer and put him on the spot.

Yes, in desperate times like this....it's typically your Auburn engineers who give up a weekend of NCAA football and cow-tipping....to gauge the process and then generate the plan.  They will produce the product on a Monday, and then sweat through three hundred days of quality assurance testing and lawyer discussions within the company...before the CEO finishes everything and approves production.

Our lives are changed.  By the end of 2012....I would imagine most all toilet paper in America will be tubeless.  We will forget about the tubes within a decade, and the engineer who designed this....might be up for a Nobel Prize in the distant future.  For these reasons....remember this Monday, because it is special.

Drinking for the Republic

Upon joining the Air Force, and getting introduced to dorm life....I came to grasp the drinking game.  It might happen once a month....it might happen once a weekend.  Typically, the rule was a list of five to ten key phrases or words or commercials were listed on a sheet by the TV.  Each time one of these were mentioned....you had to take a shot of something.

This action typically meant that you had to have an entire bottle of something around, just for your enjoyment. While you'd expect this to be extreme drinking....you'd typically have a dozen shots over a 2.5 hour period.

It's a silly game and childish in some ways....but it's the kind of thing that guys dream up on their own.

Well....this week, there's more "kids" out there, dreaming up the next version....for Tuesday evening of next week.  This all has to do with the expected news media frenzy that will occur.  What will be the key phrases? Well....I saw a list floating around today....suggesting some phrases:

Tsunami = drink
Historical = drink
Catastrophic = drink
“Barney Frank is in trouble” = drink
“Speaker Boehner” = drink
gridlock = 2 drinks
uneducated voters = 2 drinks
corporations bought the election = 2 drinks
Illinois went Republican-—chug

I realize that this is pretty unacceptable behavior, and illegal in a dozen Bama counties where "dry" means something special.  But it's the comedy of these election shows that matter now.  It's like a NFL half-time show.  I'm expecting in another decade that your local grocery will want to prepare party trays designed for "winners" or "losers", and Hollywood stars will start showing up to give their impression of the evening's results.

My advice....if you want to play the drinking game in this case.....look for a low-grade alcohol to use, and have a bunch of snacks around to supplement your stomach.  And by 11PM, just give up because twelve states will be total chaos and unable to say a winner.