Saturday, 30 October 2010

The Tube

This coming Monday will be a special day.  It's the beginning of an era.  This is the day when you can walk into a Piggly Wiggly or Kroger store or Sam's Club....and buy Scott toilet paper....in the natural tube-free roll.

I realize some of you hadn't ever thought about this necessity of life.  I've often sat in dorms, Air Force office buildings, the Pentagon, airports, combat zones, and porta-potties, and thought about the impact of the end piece....the cardboard item itself.

My guess is some environmental guys just suggested that this would be a good idea, but everyone just shook their head over how to make tube-free toilet paper.  Then, in a moment like you'd expect....they'd call for the Auburn engineer and put him on the spot.

Yes, in desperate times like this....it's typically your Auburn engineers who give up a weekend of NCAA football and cow-tipping....to gauge the process and then generate the plan.  They will produce the product on a Monday, and then sweat through three hundred days of quality assurance testing and lawyer discussions within the company...before the CEO finishes everything and approves production.

Our lives are changed.  By the end of 2012....I would imagine most all toilet paper in America will be tubeless.  We will forget about the tubes within a decade, and the engineer who designed this....might be up for a Nobel Prize in the distant future.  For these reasons....remember this Monday, because it is special.

Drinking for the Republic

Upon joining the Air Force, and getting introduced to dorm life....I came to grasp the drinking game.  It might happen once a month....it might happen once a weekend.  Typically, the rule was a list of five to ten key phrases or words or commercials were listed on a sheet by the TV.  Each time one of these were mentioned....you had to take a shot of something.

This action typically meant that you had to have an entire bottle of something around, just for your enjoyment. While you'd expect this to be extreme drinking....you'd typically have a dozen shots over a 2.5 hour period.

It's a silly game and childish in some ways....but it's the kind of thing that guys dream up on their own.

Well....this week, there's more "kids" out there, dreaming up the next version....for Tuesday evening of next week.  This all has to do with the expected news media frenzy that will occur.  What will be the key phrases? Well....I saw a list floating around today....suggesting some phrases:

Tsunami = drink
Historical = drink
Catastrophic = drink
“Barney Frank is in trouble” = drink
“Speaker Boehner” = drink
gridlock = 2 drinks
uneducated voters = 2 drinks
corporations bought the election = 2 drinks
Illinois went Republican-—chug

I realize that this is pretty unacceptable behavior, and illegal in a dozen Bama counties where "dry" means something special.  But it's the comedy of these election shows that matter now.  It's like a NFL half-time show.  I'm expecting in another decade that your local grocery will want to prepare party trays designed for "winners" or "losers", and Hollywood stars will start showing up to give their impression of the evening's results.

My advice....if you want to play the drinking game in this case.....look for a low-grade alcohol to use, and have a bunch of snacks around to supplement your stomach.  And by 11PM, just give up because twelve states will be total chaos and unable to say a winner.

Just an Observation

I've sat and watched this cargo plane and terrorism plot unfold this afternoon.  There is one and only one observation that I will offer.

There is nothing....absolutely nothing...that Yemen manufactures, that is imported into the United States.  Not soap, vanilla-smelling hair-shampoo, peanut butter, chocolate, WWE wrestling tapes, septic tanks, toe clippers, butter knives, ball bearings, false teeth, beer, or printer cartridges.  Nothing.  So when some idiot shows up at a FEDEX shop or UPS shop, or any freight delivery company in Yemen, and wants printer cartridges shipped to the United States from Yemen....this stupid grin ought to appear on the freight guy Larry's face.