Parties and Guests

We had a letter in the Washington Post today....in the "Dear Amy" column....to give out advice to naive and dimwitted folks.

I won't put the actual text in because it'd just make it look even more stupid.  So this is my version:

Dear Amy

I'm throwing this baby shower luncheon for my sister-in-law.  After I'd sent out the notices....I had one guest call me up and announce she was a vegetarian and I needed to cooperate with her situation in life.  Then a second guest called and was on a strict gluten-free diet, and I needed to cooperate with her situation in life.  What the heck can I do about this?

Signed, Hostess with Issues

I paused and pondered over this mess.  Twenty years ago....you'd toss up some luncheon for a baby shower....offer up tuna casserole, pumpkin pie and some ice-tea....and folks were happy with the offerings.  In the past two decades....things have gone to a situation where you could invite twenty folks over to some function, and eight might have some issue (no alcohol to be served to anyone, a blessing to be said over the food, no pork, no beef, no fish, no peanuts, no coffee, etc).  Some folks might even question if the folks at the function are mostly Republican or Democrat because they can't associate with this group or that group.

I thought about this for a while and put myself in the shoes of the guests.  Knowing the situation....I'd let the naive host know that I was on a t-bone steak diet with baked potatoes & sour cream, and a pecan-pie diet as well....with myself limited to strictly Pabst Blue-Ribbon beer as a beverage.  I'd smile as I mentioned this to the host and mention that I hoped in their heart that they could understand my diet situation and that I'd need some A1 Sauce as well.

I'm guessing I won't be invited to any function. Just my humble guess.  

The Norwegian Woes

From the British Mail...one of my favorite daily newspapers....there came this story over business woes in Norway.  Apparently, business managers are getting upset about the amount of time that folks are spending in the bathroom at work.  They've gone to the extent of monitoring this and urging their employees to use less time in the stall and more time on the line.

To accomplish this effort....some business managers have created a "toilet visitors book".....to register when they go and for how long.

Being from Bama....I pondered upon this concept of a "toilet visitors book".

Naturally, I'd want to fill it out completely....probably providing 300 percent of the data that the boss needed.

I'd probably note a "C" to indicate if this was coming after a cup or two of coffee.  I'd toss on a "X" to note a minor donation to their septic tank or a "XX" to indicate that it was a fairly healthy donation, or a "XXX" to indicate a whopper of a donation to the septic tank.

I'd probably note "painful" for one of those 45-minute visits where I ate the wrong thing and hadn't gone in three days to the toilet.

I'd probably note "DI" to indicate a bit of flu-like symptoms were triggering me to have a diarrhea moment.  Then I'd have "DI-plus" to note that things were awful bad and it'd best not to let anyone visit the toilet for an hour after I leave.

I'd probably add the note "unfulfilled" when I spent fifteen minutes on the toilet but just couldn't go.

I'd probably write "gas attack" when I left the entire bathroom with enough fumes to kill a hog.

Then when I got all finished and noted all the notes that I needed to leave....I'd sign it with "Winston Churchill" and let the boss figure out who this Churchill-dude was that left the bathroom all stinky for an hour.

Starting Off on the Right Foot

This week....the incoming House Speaker John Boehner....announced a major decision to be implemented when he takes office in January.  For years....lady representatives (not counting Rep Pelosi)....had complained that the nearest women's bathroom to the legislative area....was way down the hall.  So if something important was going on....they'd be out for at least ten to fifteen minutes and miss all the action.

A sensitive guy to women's feelings....Rep Boehner announced that he was going to install the first-ever women's restroom....practically on the floor of the House of Representatives.  To be honest, it'd be by the entrance-way....barely a step or two outside of the grand hall.

Usually when a guy does something like this....like building a private ladies toilet near the kitchen, or putting in a fancy lady-like design bathroom....women tend to notice things like this and appreciate his efforts.  In a way, he is moving toward getting Democratic females on his good side right away.  Course, you could say he was plotting and luring the women over to his kinder and gentler side....but still, every bit of effort counts.

How fancy will the room be?  That might be the next question.  I'm thinking it'll be pretty plain....with some fancy marble wash areas.  Maybe there's a air freshener pumping in a slight smell of pine needles or pecan pie occasionally.  He might allow them the more expensive toilet paper, rather than the rough stuff that the guys have in their bathroom.

So as we start this 2011 legislative period....let it be known that things are going to be different around the house....and maybe better.  At least the women won't be missing much when they have to "go".