Friday, 20 May 2011

The Other Border Issue (Parody)

Quietly, the Association of Concerned Mexicans (ACM) reviewed the Presidents vision speech given on 19 May 2011.  As he announced that Israel ought to hand back lands gained by the 1967 conflict....ACM finally decided the time had come....to regain Mexican borders taken in throughout the 1840s and 1850s.

There was great debate over this because it'd consume a fair amount of Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, California, parts of Wyoming and Colorado.

Members of ACM have long believed that the US's attitude throughout the 1840s created this terrible anti-Mexico attitude which exist today.  Only by returning what was rightfully Mexicos property....will things be made right.

Meanwhile, some members of ACM have spoken up and say they really don't want San Fransisco and have voiced their opinion that it'd be best to absorb it quickly and then sell it to Microsoft....and then the plan would be to call it San Microsoft, with Bill Gates as its first Premier, Emperor, and King.  Bill Gates has offered only the comment that King Bill would not work for any brand-name.

The White House is feverously looking at various options because they hadn't considered some idiot proposal like the one that the President made yesterday to draw comparisons to the US border.  Several members of the White House staff had to call their old professors from Harvard and Yale....to ask where Mexico was located before they conferred with the President.

On the positive side, most of Tucson already speaks Spanish....so it's felt that this integration back into Mexico will not be too difficult.  Some language classes will be offered in the states affected.

Democratic strategists are extremely upset because these were all guaranteed win-states for the President in 2012....and this would trigger a massive re-think if Mexico regained their states.

Meanwhile, the President has shelved twelve additional speeches that he was going to make in the remaining months of 2011....in fear that he might say something stupid again and trigger more issues.  A team had quietly been convened several hours after that statement to examine if France could reclaim Louisiana purchase area or if Canada had any land to claim.

More to follow.....only in America.

If I Were Elected.....

I had to spend almost an hour walking around the Pentagon today.  No, it's not a passion or health thing.  I had to get a delivery guy into the building....and then get him out.  So I got to thinking while walking.  My theme today?  If I was sick and tired of how things run today....how would I change them if I were President.  What were my ten ideas?

1.  Announce on day one that I'm a one-term President, with no intention of running again.  I'd grin as I said that to both the Democrats and Republicans.

2.  The daily Presidential spokesperson briefing?  I'd have my guy give it on Monday with a two-hour session.....then kinda wrap everything up with myself appearing for 15 minutes on Wednesdays to answer five simple questions.  No Tuesday, Thursday or Friday sessions.  You'd have nothing for the twenty-four news services to talk about except on Mondays.....and they'd be out of business within one year.

3.  I'd call up the South Koreans, the Japanese, and all the folks in Europe.... announcing the end of US troops in their countries within three years.  We'd finish up peace-keeping as a profession and just stand ready from our own shores to annihilate you if you caused any trouble.

4.  Direct the Air Force to charge for any seat that a Congressman or Senator uses on a military aircraft unless they get personally invited by me for some visit to Afghanistan or Iraq.  The open bar tab?  Gone.

5.  Rig up the tax code to be no more than 300 pages and able to be read by a 8th grade kid.  If congress wanted to add to the tax code....they'd have to deduct pages from what's already written.  I'd standardize the font, and make things awful hard to change once it was all done.

6.  Declare the NFL, NBA and Baseball as open-enterprise operations.  No government involvement in operations except for safety violations.

7.  Convince Congress and the Senate to just plain shut down completely for October, November, and December of each year....with none of them allowed to speak in public within the District of Columbia once vacation started.

8.  Cut every dime of US taxes going overseas to any foreign government.  I'd give the $500 that some guy from Red Bay gave to the federal government for good things....simply back to him.  Maybe he'd spend it on a new shotgun, fancy boots for the wife, or send his daughter to dancing school....at least I'd know he'd do a better job managing it than some corrupted governmet in Asia.

9.   Limit myself to four speeches a year.  If you felt I ought to speak more....you can watch the same speech over and over to get some good feelings.  I might waste a whole speech just talking about bagpipes, hand sanitizer, and reruns of Baywatch....that's just the risk you got to take with me speaking.

10.  Finally, I'd just start to run surprise schedules where I show up at some National Park, and talk with six guys floating down river....to ask what they thought about the economy, taxes, France, or Tunisia. I'd want regular people advising me, and not some idiot from Harvard or Yale.

After four years, I would just walk away.  Frankly, I'd probably will have done enough to change America in that brief time....than some folks do in thirty years.

The President's Speech

I took lunch today and ate in the main hall of the Pentagon....over by Burger King.  Naturally, they have a big-screen TV and I sat down....and then almost immedately came Hillary Clinton introducing the President (live) and here was the US Vision of the Middle East (version 7.0).

It's a curious thing....you never got this speech until the Nixon years.  Then Carter gave this speech at least once....maybe twice.  Then came Regan's version.  Then came Bush 1's version.  Then came Clinton's three to four different versions.  Then came at least three versions from Bush 2.  And now, we get version 2 of the Obama administration.

What made this one different?  If you wrote down a list of 100 helpful things and 100 impossible that will never happen.....the President went to the 100 impossible things list.  It was kinda comical in a way.....he basically said Israel ought to give up territory gained in 1967....just forget the reasons for fighting over the land, and just step back to 1967 when things were "right".  For some reason, I sat there and kinda thought he was mostly reading something that no one from the State Department would ever recommend or suggest.

The speech itself?  Well....after watching around twenty of these now....I've come to regard his style and persuasion factor as being mostly fluff and no real substance.  Oh, there's no doubt these are four-star presentations....but you get the impression that he could just as well talk about Ex-Lax in a serious manner and convince you to take the stuff nightly.  He could probably use his power of persuasion to even convince fifty million of you folks to just use three tiny sheets of toilet paper when necessary....if he wanted to.

How many Princeton grad's will pounce over this monumental speech and talk for days about the new White House vision for the Middle East?  The simple truth is that you start to measure them against Carter's speech, Reagan's speech, and Nixon's speech.....and then you realize that mostly nothing changes in the Middle East if a US President talks about it.  The only way that Egypt and Israel are buddies today?  Carter promised to pay both....for decades and decades....with your tax dollars.  Yeah, they got bribed into doing it.

So I finished up my chicken....my ice tea, and eventually left the gala speech event.  There's not much to remember about the words.  And I'll wait a couple of years for another President to arrive....to make another Middle East speech, and probably say the same things about it.