Friday, 19 August 2011

My Jobs Ideas

I had a fair amount of time today to think about how the President could bring jobs to America.  He's got four weeks, and I suspect that he really needs a lot of help.  So I thought about this......my solutions have to fit within the frame of the economic experts that the President currently has and be deemed questionable by most folks with common sense.  So, here are my thirteen suggestions:

1.  Currently, a state is allowed two Senators.  I suggest that we increase that to three senators per state....giving all of these unemployed political figures around America....a chance to work for a living as a US Senator.  Each of these new Senators would require a staff, and lobbyists across America would have to bump up their staffs to engage and bribe Senators even more.  By bringing on fifty more Senators....we might actually be able to add another 10,000 Americans employed across the DC region.

2.  Establish a tax (fee) for all those folks who go twelve months avoiding doctors or medical appointments.  By skipping out on medical business profits, they are hurting the American doctor, nurse, pharmacy and hospital sectors.  By staying healthy, you are hurting America's business sector.  So you either see doctors on a regular basis, or you pay a yearly tax/fee.

3.  Force NFL teams to carry 120 players on their squads.  Even if forty guys never play for the whole season....it's a way to keep those folks employed and working.  It'll ensure more uniforms are made...more buses used to transport players....and more hotel rooms to house the players during the season.

4.  Start a federal program where inner-city kids are put into an airline training pilot program.  It doesn't matter if any are ever hired, but you'd have all these fancy training centers with out-of-work pilots training these kids.

5.  Start up several new TV networks for out of work news folks, unemployed actors, and folks desperate to do reality shows.  It doesn't matter if no one watches these new networks....it's just that we have these people working and getting through these lean years.  Maybe accidentally, we might even develop a new version of Gilligan's Island by mistake.

6.  After a house has been declared empty for two years....burn it down.  The banks will admit that the empty house sector is stalled and going nowhere.....so let's burn enough houses that we actually have a lack of houses.....and then have to restart the building sector....thus employing millions of people in the construction business.

7.  Start a war with Mexico.  Basically, we'd have to entice a lot of folks on Mexico's side but the end result has to be a settled treaty where Mexico agrees to take all of California (with it's debt).  It could involve some bribery and I'm thinking we might have to order some National Guardsmen in California to stand down as the Mexicans invade.

8.  Place a $1 entry machine in each government building toilet.  We have to provide facilities but no one says they have to be free.  Make each government worker contribute to our nation's infrastructure as they get the urge around 10AM each morning to visit the toilet.

9.  Mandate less farm equipment.  This would trigger the American farming community to reexamine mules, mule usage, and manual labor.  We'd put more Americans back to work.  Folks might complain the first year or two....but eventually, they'd all come to accept manual labor as just routine.

10.  Establish a government scholarship program to bring in more economic experts for the nation.  The fact that our current group completely missed the boat on all this banking mess and the housing mortgage business....just means that we need more experts.  Naturally, they'd all be employed and making $80k a year....riding fancy cars which they'd buy off the Chrysler lot....buying fancy houses in New York....and sipping $40 bottles of French wine.  

11.  Entice 300k Americans to immigrate to Finland.  I admit, it will be tough, but we will package this as a reality show piece.  Finland will offer up forty acres of wooded area to each American family.  You show up in Charleston and board a sailboat for Finland.  You land....get handed an ax, some tarps, a mule, and some cooking utensils.  By dumping those 300k Americans....we have more jobs to spread around to the unemployed of America.  It'll be rough the first year or two....but the enticement is that we make it a reality show for the rest of America to watch, and all these Ameri-Finns will feel great as a potential TV star on the reality series as they adjust to Finnish society.

12.  Start a two-for-one jobs creation deal.  When you have a guy making $120k a year....you fire the guy and hire two guys to do the same job for $50k each....thus saving you money and giving you twice the manpower, plus you save $20k on the side anyway.

13.  Finally....start thinking about this idea of spliting towns, counties and states....into half....thus creating more burocrats, municipal employees, and doubing the structure that each state needs to support itself.  Imagine eighty states.  Imagine 180 counties in Alabama.  Imagine a North Birmingham and a South Birmingham.  Imagine West Kansas and East Kansas.

The Reality of the Fakers

There is a innocence that I've lost....after being out of the country for seventeen years.  I've come to notice that in the last month....watching reality TV and news programs.  Most of what limited TV I watch....centers around the History Channel, Animal Planet, Bravo, and the Discovery Channel.  Toss in an hour or so with various news channels, and that's about all the TV that I watch.  

I've come to realize that between CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, and CBS.....they've all become reality news channels.  It's a sad comparison.  

The real reality TV programs?  They are all fake and scripted.  The Goldrush show?  It was all scripted and just acted out.  The Flip This House series?  Fake.  The Ghost Hunter shows on the SCI-FI channel?  All fake.  

I was sitting there last night and attempting to watch fifteen minutes of MSNBC, and then it hit me that the guest and the wannabe journalist working for MSNBC were simply playing out a scripted interview.  It was neatly bundled two-liner statements fitting each question asked and in rapid fire.  They were decent actors, but you knew beyond any doubt that it was all fake and scripted.  

So it got me to thinking over all of these think-tank experts who show up.....they are likely fake as well.  The retired political figures from California?  They answer with the fake line of talk.  Republicans and Democrats.....mostly all fake.  

Once you reach this point....you start to doubt the news entirely.  Social Security reform?  Probably all fake reality TV stuff.  The talk about the government failing or staying AAA.....probably all reality TV script.  The President's bus tour through the heartland of America?  Just reality TV stuff.  

The sad thing is that you can put all these news shows at the same level of Animal Planet.  Joe and Fred's attempt at survival in the jungles of Alabama....likely are just as realistic or fake as some guy on CNN talking about the chaos of the Tea Party guys.  Once you start measuring things this way....you really can't take prime time news as real.  So you are left with channel thirty-one's 6PM news of a septic tank explosion over by Rogersville, or some car-fire over by the Piggly Wiggly this afternoon....as being the only realistic news you might see.  It's a big step down in life.  

Only in America.