Friday, 7 October 2011

How to Be Anti-Capitalistic

Over the past week, I've come to realize that a number of young folks are on this trail to become an anti-capitalist.  As they demonstrated on Wall Street and in DC....they've shown that they really mean business on anti-capitalism.  But I also came to feel that they really haven't grasped the art or life-skills to really be an anti-capitalistic guy.  So let me offer some tips.

First, there's the job.  You can't work for a bank, Wal-Mart, major hospital, insurance company, airline, or any operation that truly makes money.  You need to limit yourself....strictly government jobs, the town library, the city parks department, short-order cook, or a flower shop.  The intention here is that you can't make real money.  This way, when you go home at night.....you are free of guilt.  It's acceptable to make up to $10k above poverty, but that's generally the limit....unless you are a teacher....in which case....you can make as much as you want.   Also, anti-capitalists are supposed to avoid leadership positions because it starts to make you think about fixing things or improving things....which is a very bad attitude to develop.

Second, is the car.  You are supposed to buy American....union-made.....and generally at least ten to fifteen years old.  My advice....since you won't make over $30k a year....buy a 1990-1995 Honda Civic.  The chief reason is dependability and good gas mileage.  Face it....with your lousy salary, you need to do some decent mileage.

Third, your clothing.  You need to shop mostly at used-clothing centers or get relatives to buy some decent clothing and just give it to you.  Sweaters are generally positive for anti-capitalists.  They last a long time.  T-shirts are mostly popular, but they need to have environmental sayings on them or be just plain white.  You should not have a single suit in your closet.  It's OK to have just seven pair of underwear and keep them for six to eight years.  And it's OK to wear $29 tennis shoes to work....but don't ever spent $100 for a pair of fancy tennis shoes.

Fourth, your friends.  Generally, you associate with like-minded folks.  You need to stay away from military folks or veterans.....they just aren't in your class....mostly because they are willing to die for something (which you aren't).  Stay away from religious people, scientists, bankers, insurance people, or anyone who shows a tendency to make money.  You need to find losers, third-world people who just arrived (who haven't made any money yet), and wannabe anti-capitalists.

Fifth, your love-life.  Well....if you can find a teacher gal or guy......that's the ticket to help on love and budget issues.  It's best to avoid anyone who shows the tendency to be highly successful.  Cocktail waitresses, farmers, truckers, and IHOP pancake hostesses are mostly to be avoided.  The chief goal?  You don't want a high-maintenance, medium-maintenance, or low-maintenance partner, otherwise, it all leads you to some confusing capitalist dilemmas. When you settle on the person....stick with wedding rings from the local pawn shop or something that you made from baling string.

Sixth, your booze.  Generally....beer is acceptable...mostly because of the limited budget.  I would suggest Pabst or any union-produced beer.  Kegs are acceptable if you are having some other loser anti-capitalists over to your house.  Never buy or accept any Jacky D's because it shows you have a tendency to be capitalist.  Don't sip bottled water, gator-aid, or Coke.  Plain tap water is usually recommended.  Oh, and that fancy Starbucks coffee?  Forbidden, totally....it's a capitalistic trap, if you didn't know.

Seventh, your vacations.  Again, your budget plays a major part.  I would suggest mostly camping trips (tents only) around the region with your other anti-capitalist buddies.  Plan like four-day weekends.....keg parties while camping, and plenty of marijuana.  Pop-up trailers are acceptable and truck-style campers from the 1970s are acceptable as well.  Trips to Mexico are acceptable.....as long as you stick with one-star places along the beach.  Don't ever go to Vegas.....unless you get invited by your teacher boyfriend/girlfriend.

Eighth, don't worry about retirement.  Social security will cover you and your later years.

Ninth, cable TV.  Basic cable is acceptable.  Showtime, HBO and the Playboy channel are not.  Also, don't ever do a pay-per-view deal because it makes you look capitalistic.

Tenth and final, if Grandma invites you to live out of her house....accept the deal right away.  She will take care of you....provide lots of cake and cookies....and maybe buy you a 42" TV for your room upstairs.  Just don't invite folks over to see your lifestyle.  If she lets you drive the Cadillac.....accept the offer but limit yourself to parts of town where no one knows you.

The problem for a anti-capitalist.....is along about age 48....you attend your high school reunion.  You suddenly meet up with Gus....your best buddy throughout school.  Gus, as you learn.....went onto own five Burger-Kings.  He invites you over to his house, which you show up a week later.  Gus has a fancy $400k house, a great patio with a pool, and his wife comes out with some fancy French clothing, a $800 watch, a $8k boob-job, and some nifty Mexican beers which she offers you.  Later, she brings some fancy crabs that were shipped in from Alaska....with a fancy Italian sauce that she makes up with a $16 bottle of South Korean rice-wine.  By the end of the evening....you drive back to your studio apartment, and soon start to regret your anti-capitalistic situation.  You wasted three decades.  You can't recover.  You start weeping.   And you wonder who the hell talked you into such a stupid behavior.  From that point, it's all downhill.

I'm sorry if I confused you with the ending.  I probably should have left that out, and just let you do something pretty stupid

The Truth About Capitalism

Since folks have stood up and wanted to really dump on capitalism.....I'd like to take a minute and just remind folks of what we owe capitalism.

The fancy coffee you bought at Starbucks this morning?  It came from capitalism.  Starbucks took a risk in getting fancy coffee shipped in and they built the big empire....all due to capitalism.

The fancy breakfast you had this morning on the way to work?  It's that cheap, because of capitalism.  The flour for the toast.....the sausage patty that started out in Mississippi....found it's way to Portland.  The orange juice that originally started in Brazil.....and the fancy jelly that really came from South Carolina?  All results of capitalism.

The car that brought you to college or work today?  It came because of capitalism.  It might be capitalism from South Korea, Japan, Germany, France, Italy, Brazil, Canada, or various states in the US.

The repair you did to your car last week?  That came from capitalism.  You were able to find a muffler guy who did it for half the price of Midas, and then you spent that saved money on beer from Mexico (thanks again to capitalism for bringing the beer over from the border).

The laptop that you use?  That came from capitalism.  Don't even waste a breathe on details.

The big weekend you had in Vegas?  That all came from capitalism.

The marijuana that you smoked prior to work this morning?  Sadly, the guys from Bama's heartland will tell you proudly that they are absolute capitalists at heart....as they grew their weed  and fought off the law to deliver the weed to your front door....for cold hard cash.  

The NCAA game that you will watch tomorrow?  All brought to us via capitalists at the university system and various networks.  They found cash and flooded the market with their product.

The septic tank that you replaced last weekend with your cousin Woodrow?  Well....capitalist built the septic tank as cheaply as possibly in west Texas with illegals, sold them via a guy who does business out of his garage with no business license, and your cousin Woodrow only helped because you offered up $40 to help.  That all involved capitalism.

The mail-order bride that you got from Thailand?  Capitalism figures into this because there were airline tickets, Skype chats, and emails involved....which all lead back to capitalism.

The win by the Detroit Tigers last night against the Yankees?  All due to capitalism.  In fact, the Yankees will tell you that they didn't spend enough on their capitalism....thus they didn't have all the right players.

The medication you took for your painful back issues?  All developed and manufactured by a capitalistic company, and sold by a capitalistic pharmacy.

The truth is that you really don't have an appreciation of capitalism.    When you stand up in a New York City suburb and chat wildly about the terrible nature of capitalism....but hold a Starbucks cup of coffee in your hand.....you appear as a dope.  When you talk inherently to the camera guy from MSNBC during the interview because of the medication you are consuming.....all brought to you via capitalism.....you make folks mostly laugh.

As nightfall comes, and you pull out a Pabst to sit and ponder over life, tere's this strange thing that got involved in your life all day....that you never came to grasp or be thankful for....simple, pure capitalism.  Maybe it's not such a bad thing.

And for those who want to talk about the corrupt housing market that fell apart....a simple lesson in life.  You really can't buy a house for $200k and turn around four years later to sell the same house for $225k.  If you took a class or two in economics....you'd know that there's something screwed up with housing market like this, and you'd just pass on this opportunity.  That's the thing about capitalism....it's not a forced issue.  In the same fashion....you can skip the Starbucks coffee and drink Maxwell House.  Yeah, I know....it's practically impossible.   

So that is the truth about capitalism.