Monday, 12 March 2012

Cops and Pizza

Somewhere, up in the upper state region of New York state....there's this town of Cheektowga.  It's east of Buffalo, and a town of about eighty thousand folks.  They keep up a police department of 130 guys.  On occasion....there's some excitement which takes a cop to a new level.

In the past week....cops got called out to a residence in town.  There was a reported argument going on with the occupants, and the neighbors were getting worried about the escalation of things.

The cops arrived, and then came to discover the prime was a guy and a gal....arguing over the method of slicing the pizza.

You can imagine the cop standing there.  Some guy wanted this fresh pizza cut in the fashion that his mama had been cutting it for years.  The gal?  She probably had a mathematical sizing concept where things were done a bit different.  We don't know which person voiced which preference....because the cops didn't sit down to note this in their report.

He apparently calmed both down a bit, and got them to some agreement.....then left.  Neighbors were happy, and whatever he said....must have been enough to settle the situation.

The sad thing is that the cop came back to the station....wrote up a three-line text description of the situation, and this was captured in the local newspaper on their police blotter.  So most folks in the civilized world now know of some couple on North Seine Drive, up in Cheektowaga, NY.....who got into a tussle over the slicing of pizza.  It's not something that you'd normally want to be identified with. one got really physical and the cop didn't have to arrest anyone at the episode for assault or such.  That would have brought an entire new dimension to the episode.....arrested for assault, involving pizza slicing.

The thing bothering me?  Well....we just don't know the ending to this story.  How did the pizza end up getting sliced?  Did the cop really help the ending of this story, or merely leave it for another episode in the future?  We just don't know.

The Fake Chinese Guys

This is what we know.  From the Facebook world....this 'invite' went out from Admiral James Stavridis.  He's a big guy in the US Navy.  Lots of folks got this invite....from NATO big-wigs, to others who probably don't want to admit it.  There's an interesting thing though.....Admiral Stravridis isn't a believer in Facebook, and never started an account.  From what Facebook can figure out....some Chinese guys were involved in creating this bogus account.  Nobody wants to really discuss the matter much....because obviously.....commentary went back and forth with folks thinking they were secretly talking with the real Admiral Stavridis.

I sat and paused over this episode.  It's kinda like where some tall slinky and lusty gal sends you an invite from Tusla, to join her Facebook page.  Then months later, you find out that Wanda really is this welder guy from  Buffalo, New York....who was pretending to be Wanda.  You obviously are upset about this....but there's no real law against this.

In this China law has been violated, other than a bunch of guys admitting they were duped by a bunch of Chinese agents.  They may have admitted all kinds of inner secrets to their wannabe Admiral, but you have to admire the whole episode for its simplicity.

As for the real Admiral?  He hasn't said much.  I'm thinking he's mostly anti-Facebook and is mostly laughing at how correct he was.....not to become a member of it.

But now, we turn to the obvious many fake and bogus accounts exist with Facebook, which lead back to China?  A hundred?  A thousand?  Ten thousand?  You just don't know.  Guys may be admitting all kinds of personal secrets to some hottie from Mobile or Tupelo.....but the truth is that it's just a Chinese guy pretending to be the hottie.  At night, the Chinese guy is going home from his secret job....dreaming of the lusty affairs that Karl or Jimmy Joe shared with them today....dreaming of the day that he can leave China and be like those stupid Americans.

In the end.....whatever Chinese general dreamed up this whole going to realize that his entire team is now disenchanted.....because they realize so many Americans are having rich and terrific affairs, with trailer-park women, and they'd like to be just like those Americans.  And the truth?  Well....we Americans kind of make up fake stories to brag about on the internet anyway.....and everything we told our fake Chinese buddy.....was pretty much fake.

It's the kind of stuff, you can't put into a James Bond movie, because it's all just made up bogus stuff.

Wellness Ambassador?

"Wellness ambassadors?"

I sat and paused over this story.  Rite-Aid.....the pharmacy folks.....have hired up some folks and given them these titles.  Basically, as you enter Rite-Aid....they are roaming the area....looking for folks who are lost or confused.  These people need advice on wellness.  They wear white jackets and dispense on advice.  It's not at all Rite-Aids....just over five percent of them currently.

So you walk aimlessly up and down an aisle, and here comes the wellness ambassador.  You tell them you feel a bit sickly or run-down.....maybe like the flu is coming.....but you don't want to run off to the doctor.  So the wellness ambassador looks at you and tells you to get some flu-medication of sorts.  Here, this one is on sale, or you can get the double XXL-dose at forty percent off this week, if you buy two of them.  Then they recommend some vitamin C.  Then they recommend some herbal tea stuff.  And finally, they recommend you get some Vicks Rub, in XXL containers, of course.

You feel better leaving the store.....although you really aren't sure if you have the flu or not.

This all bothers Senate (as if they had better things to worry about).  Two guys....Sens. Dick Durbin (Democrat from Ill) and Richard Blumenthal (Democrat from Conn)....are pretty disturbed about this, and wrote off a letter to Rite Aid....that they might be violating some ethic rule or such.  To be honest, the Senate has never called any wellness ambassadors to appear before I doubt that Duban or Blumenthal know much about this....unless the Wal-Mart lobbyist informed them of such.

Meanwhile, the Rite-Aid bosses are grinning over this whole thing.  It's all free advertising as far as they are concerned.  There are no laws preventing them from hiring out wellness ambassadors.  I'm guessing every single pharmacy operation in America is now thinking over this deal.  Heck, Piggly Wiggly might hire up wellness ambassadors to keep folks informed on their medicine aisles.  The Piggly Wiggly guys might even hire pork ambassadors, beef ambassadors, ice cream ambassadors, Pepsi ambassadors, Coke ambassadors, and even Mr Peanut ambassadors.

Let say have one single pharmacy, with one single wellness ambassador.  In one year, they might trigger $100k more in additional sales.  To be honest, you probably didn't need the XXL container of cold medicine.  You probably didn't even have the flu, when you thought you did.  It's kind of like being in a Ford dealership, and the guy is closing the deal on underbody spray job to prevent rust, for $299.  You really didn't need it but it's a little extra to help the dealership's profits.

So you hire up this housewife, with no experience at anything, and send her to a 3-day class in wellness ambassador duties.  You give her a certificate at the conclusion, and a white lab jacket that you bought from some Honduras clothing dealership.  You basically convert Wanda into a hot lusty sales gal.....who seeks out wandering and lost folks in a pharmacy.....helping them buy things that they really don't need.

Wanda keeps the top three buttons of the blouse undone.  Wanda seeks out older guys who just wanted some Ben-Gay or wart-remover....convincing them that if they just used more vitamin D....they'd improve their abilities.  Wanda convinces older women to use a more costly shampoo.  Wanda even convinces some older guys to use hand lotion with funny freshen up their body smell.

All of the interest of being a wellness ambassador.  Life couldn't be better.

The Madness in Detroit

This is what we know.   A guy walks into a Detroit gas station....not to buy gas, but to buy condoms.  After he buys them....he pauses and makes the comment that he was overcharged.  He insists that he could have bought them elsewhere...cheaper.  He makes a comment about undoing the sale....getting a refund.  The gas station guy has a no-refund policy.  Things get heated up.  The condom guy starts tossing things around the gas station.  The gas station guy pulls a gun.....shooting the guy in the shoulder.  The ambulance comes.  The condom guy eventually dies at the hospital.....all over the price of condoms.

I paused and pondered over this.  In the old days....gas stations just sold gas, oil, wiper blades, and sodas.  I can still remember as a kid the local stations being simply a place for mechanical things.  Along came snacks, beer, sandwiches, and later you had oddball things that never made any sense....but apparently sold well.

The logical problem that men need a subsidized government program where all the condoms you need for a month....are free.  If birth control pills for women are free, condoms ought to be free.  The President's order to insurance companies to provide free birth control.....ought to be expanded.  All of this suggestion would logically follow the order and direction of America today.

Course, you have to take this into account.....this was in Detroit, and guys get shot in the city on a daily basis.  The condom guy could have easily picked up some peanuts and a Mountain Dew.....then complained about the over-charging or cost of the peanuts and Dew.  No refund would have been the response....the gun would have been pulled out, and the Dew guy would have been dead.  Then we would have been discussing a government program to provide government-subsidized peanuts and Mountain Dew.

My advice.....if you wanted the cheapest price on condoms, peanuts, or Mountain Dew....skip the gas station, and go over to the Wal-Mart.  Yeah, you probably did overpay by forty percent at the gas station, and that was your own stupidity.

Sometime this week, they will bury some guy in the outskirts of Detroit.....because he overpaid on a box of condoms.  His buddies will shed tears, and later go over to the local bar to talk about their good friend.  Somewhere in the group will be the guy's wife, and probably his mistress.  None of this will make any sense.  And the night will end with a final toast to a great guy who just plain screwed up by complaining over the price of condoms.

Only in America.