Monday, 7 October 2013

The Bama Ten Standards

To be a true resident of Bama....you generally have to meet ten standards:

1.  You need to accept NCAA football as a religion....more or less.  You tend to lean toward the University of Alabama, but even if Auburn wins (except when playing U of A).....it's a good thing.  The NCAA bowl committee is considered second only to Hitler on the bad guy list....mostly for not giving wise decisions out on Bama in the bowl process.

2.  You need to own at least five sidearms.  They can be pistols, rifles or shotguns.  Bows don't count.  You don't have to fire all five in an average year....nor do you need ammo in the house for all five.  You tend to take at least one with you in the truck, and use it mostly to kill snakes or such.

3.  Ice tea is generally preferred while in the company of friends and associates.  Spring-water and buttermilk are acceptable as well.  You can sip beer or booze....but only in wet-counties (something you'd best ask about before mentioning your preference).

4.  You generally need to dislike all political figures, period.  Course, you will find reasons to support various Republicans or Democrats.

5.  After a four-star storm, it's the general practice of all Bama folks to drive around and note damage to neighbor's houses and barns.

6.  Most Bama folks are members of Sam's Club or such, and as part of the membership.....they buy in bulk....twice as much as they'd ever require.  So you tend to offer up eighty pounds of dog-food to your friends and neighbors.....just to show your hospitality.

7.  As a Bama resident, you need to memorize and remember your local TV channel news anchors....first and last name.  Folks also tend to zero in on their attire, note the haircut, hair-tint, and the one-star jokes that are told at odd times with the weather guy.  Also, take note that whatever the local weather guy says....is gospel.....but probably not correct.

8.  A Bama resident has to be able to explain complex problems and issues in sixty words or less.  After that....it's not worth remembering or discussing.

9.  Style, Renaissance, brilliance, finesse, grace and flair....are all things that Bama folks were not generally blessed with.  Don't be discouraged though....God handed out compassion, logic, creativity with chain-saws, ample patience, and the presence of mind to ask stupid questions to Bama folks.

10.  A Bama resident has to be able to react on a moment's notice.....to a tornado, a whoop-ass event, a Ford F-150 breakdown, a cow out, a relative visit, a septic tank failure, a loss by the state team, out-of-state folks asking stupid questions, Baptist ministers tasking them on drinking habits, UFO reports, and wild women behaving under the influence of something.  The seconds between an action, and reaction....are precious few for a Bama resident.

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