Thursday, 5 December 2013

Santa Story

Fox News is reporting (don't even ask why a Bama guy sitting in Germany still follows them).....that NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) has it's website up and carrying updates on Santa's sleigh being flanked by US fighter jets, being protected as he enters US airspace.

Naturally, the hint here....is that thousands of kids from around the country are logging on, and watching in pride as the Air Force is protecting Santa all the way to their neighborhood.

Some folks are disturbed by this fighter jet escort business, and invoking the concern that this isn't right.
You can imagine seven-year old Timmy discussing the matter with six-year old Wanda.  Who is the evil-doer who is actively after Santa?  Islamic fundamentalists?  Wicked Peruvian drug cartel figures?  Latino gang members from Houston?  The North Koreans?  The Iranians with nuclear-tipped missiles?

You can imagine this conversation as two innocent and naive kids discuss this entire matter.  Wanda will bring up the fact that poor kids in Uganda don't have fighters to protect Santa there.  Timmy will suggest that the US navy has assets  out there and could protect Santa going into Uganda.

Wanda will wonder if Russian jets protect Santa, and Timmy will suggest Vlad will have forty fighters standing by as Santa leaves US airspace, and protect him all way into Moscow.

The French?  Well....Wanda will wonder if they have enough assets to protect Santa all around the rurals of France.  Timmy will suggest that Germany will help, and provide escort.

Who will refuel the fighter jets?  Timmy will respond that tankers will be there.....refuel the jets while over Kansas and Georgia.

Then Wanda will ask about Santa entering the country without a passport.  At that point, Timmy will look at Wanda in horror....noting that Homeland Security might stop Santa.  He heard that Grandma got stopped in Wichita Falls from boarding the plane home.....because she was on a bad-girl's list that mama was talking to Aunt Bonny about.

Fear will gripe the two....as they start to worry about the forty things that could hinder Santa's delivery.  Everything from crazy nuts from Vermont, to meth-dopers in Iowa, and even environmentalists worried about the deer that Santa employs.

It used to be simple.  As we added a fake story here, a bogus story there, a made-up chaos over there, and joined up five or six screw-ups....life is complex now.  At any point now, Santa will be rumored with a lady-guy elf, Ms Santa leaving him for some boy band singer, some hybrid reindeer being added to the gang with wings, and a union strike threatening Santa's delivery schedule.  A kid might worry for weeks leading up to Christmas....over rumors that he heard at school.  Then toss in the fact that a fake bad-boy list got handed around at school, and a kid might wonder how he ever got on that list.

The real truth?  The only thing we ought to worry about.....is how a 300-lb Santa ever got through a twelve-inch chimney.

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