Thursday, 4 April 2013

The Austin - North Korea Conflict

It kinda reads like a comedy.

North Korea in recent days....has put up a map of where they intend to target the US....when war finally starts up.  Among the standard targets you expect (DC, naturally), they've also selected San Diego, and Austin, Texas.

Naturally, folks in Austin woke up and are a bit shocked.  They just never did expect to be targeted by anyone except mostly right-wing or Republican political candidates.

So far, they haven't gotten any words directly out of North Korea....on why Austin had to be selected.  I'm assuming that someone in the North Korea government possibly went through Austin long ago.  They probably had some drunken episode downtown, got trashed by local Texas ladies, and have decided on the list of possible targets....to put Austin on the list.  Or maybe it was just dumb luck...with Austin picked at random.

What should you do if you live in Austin?  First, you need to pull out the map and eyeball North Korea.  Measure the miles.  Then start to consider the amount of technology that it takes to launch missiles and ask yourself if you worry much about Burma, Poland, or Peru launching attacks against Austin?  Your answer ought to be....no, you might worry about Wal-Mart invading Austin in droves....but generally, you just don't have many invaders there.

So you move on.  Let's say that sequestration did cause a slightly weaker military and one little missile gets through our defense....because it was on a furlough day.  Well...it might hit on the west part of Austin, and most of you real Austin folks won't care.  A direct hit in the center of town....near the bar district would be troubling and difficult to recover from.  But from that distance, you just can't expect accuracy to be that great.

Should you lay in a supply of beef jerky, beer, and bottled water?  If I were Wal-Mart, I'd offer up "invasion-sales" and give a ten-percent discount for bulk purchase.  You could probably get an extra million in purchases easily within a week.  A guy ought to have a fourteen day supply of beer always on hand, and enough toilet paper to survive an entire month if necessary.

Sending an envoy from Austin to North Korea?  Well....sending Willie Nelson might be an interesting angle.  Maybe Willie could talk to the North Koreans, and get them hooked on the idea of hitting Waco or Dallas....ahead of Austin.  Maybe mention up the music industry in Austin, and how folks in North Korea would harm progressive country music.

Finally, to be truthful....if there ever was a time for Austin to break off and become part of Mexico....this is the moment.  Just send over a couple of maps....detailing the fact that Austin is now a state within Mexico, and how Mexico is a good friend of North Korea.  This all might be believed.  Even folks in Austin might start believing this.

A Brew Thing in Bama

There is a special status about Bama that most folks are not aware of.  We are the only state in America....that prohibits residents from brewing their own beer.  You can go and buy the kits up in Tennessee or over in Mississippi, and sit quitely in your Bama den while you brew, but it's illegal.  And you can't really say alot in public about your brewing.....because some local deputy just might get frisky and haul you in for illegal brewing.

Why?  Mostly because of the religious nature of most Bama folks.  We'd like to ensure everyone's safety, sanity, and innocence.  We'd feel better if everyone just drunk spring water, buttermilk, and ice tea.

We've been this way for a fairly long time....probably even before the Indians came to Bama.  Well...to be honest, since the early part of the 1900s.

There are some numbers out there....from various groups...to indicate at least a thousand folks in Bama are privately brewing in their garage or in the house.  It might even go as high as ten thousand folks.  The truth is.....we just don't know.  And maybe it's a good thing that we don't know (it might be fifty thousand Bama folks).

Currently, there's another bill going through the Bama legislature, and bound for the Bama senate.  It might pass (remember, it's mostly Republicans in the Bama senate).

The general writing of the bill limits Bama folks from making more than sixty gallons a beer a year.....with limits per each quarter.  How they came to these limits....only God knows.  To be honest, five gallons of beer a month is probably enough for most guys, unless they were going to share a good bit with their friends or relatives.  My hunch is that half of all Bama guys interested in brewing.....would easily go past the sixty gallons a year, and might even go higher than a hundred gallons a year.

The one catch to this whole bill thing?  Well....if the county is dry.....we just can't let you brew in that county.  Fair is fair.....you can't overcome a counties dry nature.

My humble prediction?  Once it passes....a blitz on brewing will occur with a bunch of guys buying the kits and starting their own process.  Some guys will start to throw in cherries, or pears....to sweeten up the taste.  Some guys will go overboard to brew up six-percent alcohol beer.  They will start to meet up and compare brews.  Even Bama ladies might start brewing, and put some real competition into the business.

While all of this going on.....ministers will be sitting there and praying over our mortal sins, and trying hard to bring us back to the flock.  Brewing will be an topic on the mind of ministers as they write up their Sunday sermons.

In essence, the floodgates are about to open, and we will join forty-nine other states, finally.