Thursday, 5 December 2013

Santa Story

Fox News is reporting (don't even ask why a Bama guy sitting in Germany still follows them).....that NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) has it's website up and carrying updates on Santa's sleigh being flanked by US fighter jets, being protected as he enters US airspace.

Naturally, the hint here....is that thousands of kids from around the country are logging on, and watching in pride as the Air Force is protecting Santa all the way to their neighborhood.

Some folks are disturbed by this fighter jet escort business, and invoking the concern that this isn't right.
You can imagine seven-year old Timmy discussing the matter with six-year old Wanda.  Who is the evil-doer who is actively after Santa?  Islamic fundamentalists?  Wicked Peruvian drug cartel figures?  Latino gang members from Houston?  The North Koreans?  The Iranians with nuclear-tipped missiles?

You can imagine this conversation as two innocent and naive kids discuss this entire matter.  Wanda will bring up the fact that poor kids in Uganda don't have fighters to protect Santa there.  Timmy will suggest that the US navy has assets  out there and could protect Santa going into Uganda.

Wanda will wonder if Russian jets protect Santa, and Timmy will suggest Vlad will have forty fighters standing by as Santa leaves US airspace, and protect him all way into Moscow.

The French?  Well....Wanda will wonder if they have enough assets to protect Santa all around the rurals of France.  Timmy will suggest that Germany will help, and provide escort.

Who will refuel the fighter jets?  Timmy will respond that tankers will be there.....refuel the jets while over Kansas and Georgia.

Then Wanda will ask about Santa entering the country without a passport.  At that point, Timmy will look at Wanda in horror....noting that Homeland Security might stop Santa.  He heard that Grandma got stopped in Wichita Falls from boarding the plane home.....because she was on a bad-girl's list that mama was talking to Aunt Bonny about.

Fear will gripe the two....as they start to worry about the forty things that could hinder Santa's delivery.  Everything from crazy nuts from Vermont, to meth-dopers in Iowa, and even environmentalists worried about the deer that Santa employs.

It used to be simple.  As we added a fake story here, a bogus story there, a made-up chaos over there, and joined up five or six screw-ups....life is complex now.  At any point now, Santa will be rumored with a lady-guy elf, Ms Santa leaving him for some boy band singer, some hybrid reindeer being added to the gang with wings, and a union strike threatening Santa's delivery schedule.  A kid might worry for weeks leading up to Christmas....over rumors that he heard at school.  Then toss in the fact that a fake bad-boy list got handed around at school, and a kid might wonder how he ever got on that list.

The real truth?  The only thing we ought to worry about.....is how a 300-lb Santa ever got through a twelve-inch chimney.

The Holy Senator

“I’m not ashamed to say that I believe in God and I believe in His word.  The Bible teaches us no one has all the answers–only God does. And neither political party’s always right.”

-- Words from Senator Mark Pryor (incumbent Arkansas Democratic senator)

On Tuesday evening out of Little Rock, Senator Pryor put up a new TV ad....which will kick off his re-election campaign for 2014.  It's more or less a "belief-in-God" stance, which tends to say that he never read the Affordable Healthcare Act but still voted for it, and he shouldn't get any real criticism for the frustrations of people around the state who might vote in the November election.

It's hard to say who suggested this gimmick in advertising for Pryor's campaign.  In Bama, you can quote scripture from the Bible for a campaign episode.....but typically....folks ask questions after you start doing it.

The questions usually are: are you repenting over your sins (Baptists usually care about this)?  How often do you actually attend services (anything less than three times a month leads to more difficult questions)?  Have you prayed for help (a response here has to be carefully written out....because you don't want to admit weakness as a Senator)?  Have you sipped alcohol in the past year (Bama folks tend to pass narrow judgement over folks who admit yes on that question)?

All of this religious stuff leads you around to feeling that Senator Pryor needs some Moses-like character to show up in Arkansas, and just plain get into the election business.  Moses would clean up corruption, run crooked political figures out of the state, and always ask if you read what you voted for.

I kinda think this was a bad election strategy.  In any debate situation.....the Republican guy will just note on every question.....I'm praying for Senator Pryor, but frankly, I think the devil has already got ahold of him.  You can imagine the eyes of naive Arkansas folks rolling twice over, and everyone now fearful that they'd have to call in some Catholic priest and do some exorcism-like ceremony to rid him of some bad influence.

Only my suggestion, but I think the safer thing here for Pryor to do.....is to hook up with some Miss America pageant winner, travel with some country and western band throughout the state, taking to wearing overalls with a John Deere hat, and act like you've been to a Baptist revival and got all cleansed.

Maybe that's enough to get fifty-one percent.