Saturday, 3 May 2014

Jeff and the Pitchfork

I read a lot of newspapers.  Yeah, a guy with time on his hands....can afford to that.  On occasion, there are oddball stories that I come across....that won't make it into most papers or be discussed on CNN or any network.  So this is one of those stories.

Over in the Norcross area of Georgia....there's a Waffel House.  For those of you who've never been in a Waffel House....it's a small operation....tending to be near interstates or four-lane roads....where real working men stop for breakfast....cheaply.  You tend to stop for a cup of coffee, their waffles (always good), and maybe some greasy bacon.  I have a preference for the hash browns and salty ham slabs (which tend to be loaded with sodium and is pretty bad for me in obvious ways).

The customers at a Waffle House at 6AM....is mostly working class guys.  They are there to mostly eat, discuss NCAA football, read the frontpage of the local newspaper, sip down some awful strong coffee, and maybe wink at the hostess gal serving them.  The hostess gal might wink back, or offer some philosophy moments over bad marriages, bad boyfriends, bad car purchases, bad weather, or spiritual advice on entry into heaven.

Generally, a guy can't go wrong....stopping off at a Waffle House.

Well.....up until Thursday of this past week.

You see....there's this guy (we shall only address him as "Jeff" because it's better off that you not know him, his history, or his feelings about Waffle house manners.

Jeff came around the Norcross Waffle House in the evening hours....long after the regular working guys have gone on.  Evening visitors are mostly truck-drivers, guys on the way to night-shift, or some old widower guy who just needs half-an-hour of sympathy from the hostess gal.

Jeff brought a pitchfork along with him....intent on robbing the Waffle House.  Yeah.....it's an unusual 'weapon'.  Back in Bama.....pitchforks are work tools and not a weapon of sorts.  But this is Georgia, and if all you got is a pitchfork....it's better than nothing for robbing purposes.

I also think there's no state law on pitchfork use in a crime.....so there's no armed statutory laws which fall into place.

Jeff....fifty years old.....waved the pitchfork around....yelling at folks to make it into the backroom.  I'm kinda surprised because there's usually not much extra space in your average Waffle House, and it's to imagine a dozen folks standing in such a confined area.

Then Jeff grabs the cash register....while dropping his pitchfork.....and heads out to his truck.  I can only assume that the most Jeff might have gotten away with....was maybe $400.  Hardly worth six months in some county jail.

Well....apparently in Norcross....the guys who work at Waffle House are a bit more tough than the average folks, and they just didn't stand around in that back room.  They gave chase....grabbing the pitchfork as they headed out the door....to Jeff's parked truck.  And using the pitchfork.....they broke the side window of Jeff's truck....effectively shocking Jeff, and ending the whole episode (as cops came a few minutes later)....before they could whoop Jeff in the parking lot (I can only assume they were prepared for such action).

Jeff and drugs?  Well....no one says much, but I'm prepared to take an educated guess....Jeff is on some type of drugs....maybe prescription stuff....maybe meth....maybe some pain-killers.

There in the local law enforcement evidence locker?  There's a tagged pitchfork.  By June, some court hearing will be held, and Jeff's lawyer will contend that Jeff might have a substance problem and it'd be awful nice to just give Jeff thirty days in jail and some rehab treatment.  Meanwhile, Jeff will have a reputation around the jail as the pitchfork expert.

Gospel singers will write a spiritual tune to Jeff's terrible woes.  Country music writers will write sad pitchfork songs over Jeff.  And some local ladies will come to pray for Jeff....maybe that the Lord might show some charity on Jeff's path of wrong.

The folks at the Waffle House?  For weeks and weeks....they will chat over the robbery attempt and how they quietly stopped the guy in his tracks.  It'll make for stimulating conversation, and be an improvement over political talk and upcoming elections.

A simple story, with a simple outcome.