Sunday, 17 January 2016

The Ten Chief Things That Alabama Folks Worry About

1.  There's this big line drawn between a tornado watch and a tornado warning.  By the time you turn forty in Alabama....you've likely seen three hundred tornado watches.  So, you don't really grit your teeth or say nothing much.  You might turn over to such-and-such channel to get Doppler-radar and hear Ms Wendy chat about this front or that science stuff.  But the minute that Ms Wendy says "tornado warning".....that usually peps a guy up and he's got a sixty second list of things to accomplish before hitting the backdoor of the trailer and hitting the shelter in the backyard.

2.  Roughly forty percent of all Alabama adults generally worry about the University of Alabama football team.  They worry enough....that they'd actually pray for Coach Saban if he appeared sickly.  They worry about the schedule....the heat for Saturday's game....and the possibility that Auburn might have a better team this year than Alabama would have.

3.  About a quarter of the state's adults generally worry about your church habits and soul's destination.  Moving into a house....you might find that your neighbor slowly gets around to asking about your church preference and if you are with the right people.  If you are a Catholic....it's best not to mention that and simply say you'd pray for them as much as they pray for you.

4.  Most Alabama folks worry about snakes.  When you pull into some field and the guy says that looks 'snakey'......(not a real world but we tend to use it).....then he's pretty confident there's a snake somewhere there.  This fear causes most folks to have a snake-stick near the patio door of sufficient length.....usually six-foot long.

5.  If you live within a hundred miles of the coast, you tend to worry about hurricanes.  Folks from the rest of the state tend to worry about them missing the hurricane and discuss the idea of driving down to Orange Beach to watch the hurricane approach and get the full-blast.

6.  Most Alabamians tend to worry about the status of their septic tank.  There's some kind of internal clock that they have....noting that it's been 3,888 days since they installed the last tank and they really don't want to relive that experience.  Oddly, you note that they marked the date on a calendar and remember every detail of the past experience.

7.  Most Alabamians (maybe fifty percent) worry about your drinking habits.  They'd like to live in a dry county and hope that you will be cooperative in keeping it dry.  Don't shock them with the six cases of PBR that you keep on the patio or the six bottles of Jacky D's which sit by the couch in the living room.

8.  Most Alabamians worry that a Democrat will eventually return to the governor's office and go off to do something illegal, deceitful, or corrupted.  Course, you ask about the current Republican governor's alleged affair and his wife divorcing him....and then kinda ends that discussion and worry about politics.

9.  Most Alabamians worry about some neighbor suddenly selling their farm and the new guy arriving to put up a chicken farm and stink up the whole area of that scent.

10.  Finally, Alabamians will tell you about this great thrill of a major snowstorm coming through, and bringing some fond memories of snow.  Then you mention that the snow was such that powerlines went down and folks had no power for a week there, and they kinda agree....they do both love the thrill and have a worry over snow....at the same time.