Your Odds

So, you do the Alabama odds:

1.  You have better odds of having an accident where you hit some Chinese-tourist at 3 AM in Dothan.

2.  You have better odds of getting attacked by a bear.

3.  You have better odds of getting struck by lightning while painting your barn roof.

4.  You have better odds of Auburn betting Alabama by a score of 70 to 7.

5.  You have better odds of finding a single PhD-educated Republican single gal (age 40) who drinks beer from the bottle, smokes unfiltered cigarettes, and does her own brake-jobs.

The Super-Secret Trump Destruction Plan For Mail

I'm going to present the super-secret plan in full detail:

1.  All postal boxes will be removed completely.  Then all sorting machines will be disconnected.

2.  Mail will be dumped into canvas bags and delivered to a Utah warehouse, where it'll be bulk-loaded onto cargo planes, to be flown into China.

3.  Once in China, 66k US-hired Chinese will sort the mail manually.  With a 9-week delay built into the system, your ballot will be still in China in February of 2021. 

4.  This is all hush-hush, and only known by President Trump, the Postmaster General, and Trump's barber.

(fake news)