Rules for Porch Conduct

In Alabama....we generally have an abundance of porch visitors.  Some might be relatives (kin-folk)....some might be neighbors....and some might be work associates. 

For those who've never lived in the state or rather new.....a list of general rules to follow:

1.  A porch is designed for entertaining, discussing, and "joshing" with folks.....not for heated arguments (which might be seen by a dozen neighbors and label your porch as unfriendly).

2. Generally....clothing and attire shall be in good taste and not within the vision of slutty, improper, or flirty. If some gal shows up in a tube-top that's two sizes too small....you ought to go ahead and let her know of issues before she gets settled into her chair.

3.  Topics of discussion should generally be unlimited although you should not discuss Republican downfalls with a Republican, Baptists failures with a hardcore Baptist, or Islamic criticism with a Mullah.

4.  Discussions on dead folks should be limited to folks who you don't personally know (like Marilyn Monroe or Hitler) or your dead neighbor who you will discuss in a somewhat positive light.

5.  Discussions on neighbors.....shouldn't include anything about their personal lusty affairs. I know that you have seen some gal driving around the back of his house and sneaking in the back door of the house.....but it just ain't right to share that information.

6.  Conversations on cars will be limited to performance or reliability. It is not smart to bring up repair procedures unless you have the actual car up on the porch to show your associate the proper method of repair.

7.  You should always offers a clean and sanitary toilet within 30 feet of the front door, with extra toilet paper, some proper smelling sprays, and fresh towels for washing up. Soap ought to be either a bar or liquid form....but nothing outlandish or funny smelling.

8.  Never invite a ex-wife or ex-wife's family onto the front porch.....nothing good of that can come.

9.  It's best to never invite or allow more than three hardcore political folks tn the porch....unless your intention is to get them drunk to admit various affairs or such.

10.  Porch furniture needs to be quality made and of strong material. It is advised to never buy any porch furniture from Wal-Mart. Cushions are advised. Chairs with arms are typically preferred over those wicker chairs. Its acceptable to have a living room couch on the front porch but your neighbors may frown on this.....and your dog might be upset with folks sitting on his favorite spot.

11. Drinking is generally accepted on the front porch. However, it needs to be monitored, and you should worry about some Baptist minister stopping by and asking what's in the cup. Also, never serve alcohol to Baptists, unless its on the back porch away from view. In temperatures above 90....always offer ice tea with ice cubes. Coffee is an acceptable beverage on the porch but not that instant stuff. And if you can brew espresso...be sure to have the proper cups.

12.  Don't talk or discuss cult stuff with Baptists. It'll bother them for weeks to come.

13.  Rocking chairs are a fine item to have on a porch, but ensure they are well maintained and don't fall apart when your heavy-weight aunt shows up and starts rocking.

14.  Generally, it's best to never dig or place a septic tank within 60 feet of the front porch.

15.  Discussions on the front porch after dark usually require some lighting device. A 60-watt bulb or candles would be suggested. Don't use a coal-oil lamp or a 200-watt bulb.

16.  Heated discussions should be avoided but if you get drawn into one....always angle the talk away to some episode of Gunsmoke you recently saw, some perfume you tested at Walgreens, or your neighbor's fancy new hubcaps. 

17.  On days when the temperature is above 90 degrees...always offer up crushed ice or ice cream to the visiting folks. Avoid coffee or hot tea. A overhead fan would be a fine thing to keep a wind posed upon your visitors.

18.  It's advisable to have some peanuts, mints, or M&M's on the porch as a relief item for some folks.

19.  Never allow guests during a NCAA football game.

20.  You ought not wear strong perfume or manly smells around old folks who visit. They generally don't like those overwhelming smells like Brut.

21.  If for some odd reason, you did have a Mullah come visiting....don't bring up Jesus, Baptists, religion, freedom of speech, women's right, freedom of minds, anti-Iran matters, 9-11, problems with Saudi religious police, or Ossama's passing. It would be strongly suggested to chat as much as possible on the chances of the Braves winning this year or if Ford is really as crappy as folks think.

22.  Don't get into heated discussions with folks who recently underway a religious conversion. They aren't likely of a clear and focused mind.

23.  Its best not to discuss chain-saw accidents, propane gas tank explosions, or dog attacks in mixed company (meaning with ladies present). 

24.  Sadly....some folks come to your front porch for some awful important advice, and expect absolutely nothing less than a miracle. You might want to realize this, and consider your words wisely. You need to admit early on....you aren't Socrates, Gandhi, Ann Landers, or Doctor Phil. Sometimes, you just need to end the conversation with: "Get a life".

25.  A man never dumps his girlfriend at the front porch. It leaves a bad karma for years to come. Neighbors will come over for weeks....wanting to discuss what went wrong. The likely truth is that you met some gal from Facebook who lives in Memphis, and you just don't want everyone knowing of your new love interest. The truth is....we have some high expectations and ethics over front porches.