In Alabama....we generally have an abundance of porch visitors. Some might be relatives (kin-folk)....some might be neighbors....and some might be work associates.
For those who've never lived in the state or rather new.....a list of general rules to follow:
1. A porch is designed for entertaining, discussing, and "joshing" with folks.....not for heated arguments (which might be seen by a dozen neighbors and label your porch as unfriendly).
2. Generally....clothing and attire shall be in good taste and not within the vision of slutty, improper, or flirty. If some gal shows up in a tube-top that's two sizes too small....you ought to go ahead and let her know of issues before she gets settled into her chair.
3. Topics of discussion should generally be unlimited although you should not discuss Republican downfalls with a Republican, Baptists failures with a hardcore Baptist, or Islamic criticism with a Mullah.
4. Discussions on dead folks should be limited to folks who you don't personally know (like Marilyn Monroe or Hitler) or your dead neighbor who you will discuss in a somewhat positive light.
5. Discussions on neighbors.....shouldn't include anything about their personal lusty affairs. I know that you have seen some gal driving around the back of his house and sneaking in the back door of the house.....but it just ain't right to share that information.
6. Conversations on cars will be limited to performance or reliability. It is not smart to bring up repair procedures unless you have the actual car up on the porch to show your associate the proper method of repair.
7. You should always offers a clean and sanitary toilet within 30 feet of the front door, with extra toilet paper, some proper smelling sprays, and fresh towels for washing up. Soap ought to be either a bar or liquid form....but nothing outlandish or funny smelling.
8. Never invite a ex-wife or ex-wife's family onto the front porch.....nothing good of that can come.
9. It's best to never invite or allow more than three hardcore political folks tn the porch....unless your intention is to get them drunk to admit various affairs or such.
10. Porch furniture needs to be quality made and of strong material. It is advised to never buy any porch furniture from Wal-Mart. Cushions are advised. Chairs with arms are typically preferred over those wicker chairs. Its acceptable to have a living room couch on the front porch but your neighbors may frown on this.....and your dog might be upset with folks sitting on his favorite spot.
11. Drinking is generally accepted on the front porch. However, it needs to be monitored, and you should worry about some Baptist minister stopping by and asking what's in the cup. Also, never serve alcohol to Baptists, unless its on the back porch away from view. In temperatures above 90....always offer ice tea with ice cubes. Coffee is an acceptable beverage on the porch but not that instant stuff. And if you can brew espresso...be sure to have the proper cups.
12. Don't talk or discuss cult stuff with Baptists. It'll bother them for weeks to come.
13. Rocking chairs are a fine item to have on a porch, but ensure they are well maintained and don't fall apart when your heavy-weight aunt shows up and starts rocking.
14. Generally, it's best to never dig or place a septic tank within 60 feet of the front porch.
15. Discussions on the front porch after dark usually require some lighting device. A 60-watt bulb or candles would be suggested. Don't use a coal-oil lamp or a 200-watt bulb.
16. Heated discussions should be avoided but if you get drawn into one....always angle the talk away to some episode of Gunsmoke you recently saw, some perfume you tested at Walgreens, or your neighbor's fancy new hubcaps.
17. On days when the temperature is above 90 degrees...always offer up crushed ice or ice cream to the visiting folks. Avoid coffee or hot tea. A overhead fan would be a fine thing to keep a wind posed upon your visitors.
18. It's advisable to have some peanuts, mints, or M&M's on the porch as a relief item for some folks.
19. Never allow guests during a NCAA football game.
20. You ought not wear strong perfume or manly smells around old folks who visit. They generally don't like those overwhelming smells like Brut.
21. If for some odd reason, you did have a Mullah come visiting....don't bring up Jesus, Baptists, religion, freedom of speech, women's right, freedom of minds, anti-Iran matters, 9-11, problems with Saudi religious police, or Ossama's passing. It would be strongly suggested to chat as much as possible on the chances of the Braves winning this year or if Ford is really as crappy as folks think.
22. Don't get into heated discussions with folks who recently underway a religious conversion. They aren't likely of a clear and focused mind.
23. Its best not to discuss chain-saw accidents, propane gas tank explosions, or dog attacks in mixed company (meaning with ladies present).
24. Sadly....some folks come to your front porch for some awful important advice, and expect absolutely nothing less than a miracle. You might want to realize this, and consider your words wisely. You need to admit early on....you aren't Socrates, Gandhi, Ann Landers, or Doctor Phil. Sometimes, you just need to end the conversation with: "Get a life".
25. A man never dumps his girlfriend at the front porch. It leaves a bad karma for years to come. Neighbors will come over for weeks....wanting to discuss what went wrong. The likely truth is that you met some gal from Facebook who lives in Memphis, and you just don't want everyone knowing of your new love interest.
The truth is....we have some high expectations and ethics over front porches.
Monday 7 September 2020
From Seven Years ago
Around March of 2013, I wrote this essay over a news item involving the Huffington Post and a project they were working on. Off and on.....I've had curiosity where this led because they never seemed to go out and write over the objectives of the topic.....people who'd apparently had lusty sex with aliens....not the Mexican kind....I mean regular UFO aliens.
They were asking for folks who had experiences in detail and could be very specific about the episodes.
I would imagine after the first hundred letters....the Huff folks began to realize that this was all creative writing folks, or paranoid schizophrenic types. There's probably a pallet box in the basement of the Huff-complex, with 7,000 letters in it, and a note for anyone finding the box.....'have at it'.
On any given day in Alabama, there's probably twelve folks walking around and talking up some experience from last week or last month.....where they were abducted by aliens and had some form of lusty stuff.
Generally....drugs of some type figure into this.
Most folks will hype up a bit, and ask stupid questions....what'd she look like or did she have a funny tangerine smell? Was she wearing a space-suit? Did she have devilish eyes, or have that bad smell that you sense from the Veterinarian office?
The truth is....most of us live pretty normal and dull lives, and just having a crazy story told like that....we'd like for it to be true. Maybe the Huff folks felt that way too.
They were asking for folks who had experiences in detail and could be very specific about the episodes.
I would imagine after the first hundred letters....the Huff folks began to realize that this was all creative writing folks, or paranoid schizophrenic types. There's probably a pallet box in the basement of the Huff-complex, with 7,000 letters in it, and a note for anyone finding the box.....'have at it'.
On any given day in Alabama, there's probably twelve folks walking around and talking up some experience from last week or last month.....where they were abducted by aliens and had some form of lusty stuff.
Generally....drugs of some type figure into this.
Most folks will hype up a bit, and ask stupid questions....what'd she look like or did she have a funny tangerine smell? Was she wearing a space-suit? Did she have devilish eyes, or have that bad smell that you sense from the Veterinarian office?
The truth is....most of us live pretty normal and dull lives, and just having a crazy story told like that....we'd like for it to be true. Maybe the Huff folks felt that way too.
The 'Kids' Story
I sat and read this story here in the AM....more 'young' adults live at home with Mom and Dad....since the Depression era of the 1930s.
According to the Pew folks....52 of folks (ages 18 to 29)...are living with some parent (it's up in the 26-million range). Covid part of the blame? Pew says in the past eight months.....it's up by 2.6-million.
So you sit and think about this.
Last month, I read a rant by a older woman (probably in her late 50s). Both son and daughter had resettled in this Covid era back into the old family house with her. One had a worthless degree and seemed to be mostly unemployed. The other had a job which shut down because of Covid-19 and the only option to survive was Mom's 'grace'
Mom had problems with both 'kids' (they seemed to be between 25 and 35 years old). She was beginning to question how long she could cope with the two, and if this was going to be a year or more of transition time. I didn't want to say anything to the lady but in my humble opinion....I didn't see Covid going away in 2020 or 2021. So the 'kids' were likely going to still be there in 2022. I didn't think Mom would survive to that point.
The key problem here...is that this is not the 1930s in terms of mentality, and people generate a powerful amount of stress that has to be resolved on a daily basis, or you end up with conditions that result in verbal or physical fights.
If Covid were to linger around for five years? If the 'kids' are still there in 2024? Well....this would probably trigger more problems in life, and result in 'adult-children' being dumped on the street. If they couldn't handle it in Dad or Mom's house....how would they handle it on some street corner....living out of a tent?
According to the Pew folks....52 of folks (ages 18 to 29)...are living with some parent (it's up in the 26-million range). Covid part of the blame? Pew says in the past eight months.....it's up by 2.6-million.
So you sit and think about this.
Last month, I read a rant by a older woman (probably in her late 50s). Both son and daughter had resettled in this Covid era back into the old family house with her. One had a worthless degree and seemed to be mostly unemployed. The other had a job which shut down because of Covid-19 and the only option to survive was Mom's 'grace'
Mom had problems with both 'kids' (they seemed to be between 25 and 35 years old). She was beginning to question how long she could cope with the two, and if this was going to be a year or more of transition time. I didn't want to say anything to the lady but in my humble opinion....I didn't see Covid going away in 2020 or 2021. So the 'kids' were likely going to still be there in 2022. I didn't think Mom would survive to that point.
The key problem here...is that this is not the 1930s in terms of mentality, and people generate a powerful amount of stress that has to be resolved on a daily basis, or you end up with conditions that result in verbal or physical fights.
If Covid were to linger around for five years? If the 'kids' are still there in 2024? Well....this would probably trigger more problems in life, and result in 'adult-children' being dumped on the street. If they couldn't handle it in Dad or Mom's house....how would they handle it on some street corner....living out of a tent?
Stars and Stripes Turned Back On?
Based on comments by President Trump yesterday....yes. 'For the good men and women of the military'.....was the quote.
The comical side of this....the newspaper simply isn't something that most military people based outside the US procure anymore. To make it functional....they need roughly $150-million to cover expenses.
The idiot Senators who got all bent out of shape and put pressure on to maintain the newspaper? They haven't any prospective of military people from the past twenty-five years. They are still living and thinking in terms of the 1990s.
The comical side of this....the newspaper simply isn't something that most military people based outside the US procure anymore. To make it functional....they need roughly $150-million to cover expenses.
The idiot Senators who got all bent out of shape and put pressure on to maintain the newspaper? They haven't any prospective of military people from the past twenty-five years. They are still living and thinking in terms of the 1990s.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)