Dear Earthlings:
In recent weeks, with all the hype going on....to suggest 'we' might be visiting you, we felt the need to lay the story out straight.
So, over the millennium (way more than a million years)....we kinda came around to Earth, and may have (at differing times) planted a few things, or dropped off a few critters. The release of donkeys, Border Collies, and Maine Coon cats was just accidental (they dodged security and sneaked off the ship).
In the early trips, we were sent to Earth just to monitor and plant things. To be honest, in those early days, the 12-year 'tours' were boring and the reports were usually not going to get you a promotion.
Somewhere along the 1700s, we did get fairly into Earth lifestyles, culture, wine, food, and music. The reports....as I will suggest went up a notch or two.
Along about the 1890 period, those reports turned into five-star reading material, and the 30-year periods between 'tours' was deleted. We were sent on a full-time basis.
The 1920s? Man, with the prohibition era, Nazi Germany, wild times in Paris, Chicago crime, and jazz music....our reports back to the home-planet went up to the top. Earth reports, with pallets of German beer....became a big deal.
The 1960s? We had a full-time round-the-clock team in San Francisco, West Berlin, Rome, London and Miami. In the summer of 1970, we actually had one of our teams meet up Jim Morrison, and conduct a one-hour interview. For the fall 1972 season of Laugh-In, we had two of our guys hired up as script-writers. Back in June of 1969, we had one of our guys accidentally bump into Charles Manson and spend an hour talking about some crazy war that he wanted to start up.
Since the 1990s, there's not a single evening news piece on our home planet where an hour of Earth news is not conveyed. The Kardashians, Prince Harry, Lady GaGa, Homer Simpson, Trailer Park Boys, Colin Kaepernick, Donald Trump, woke crap, Elon Musk, and Covid.....all demonstrate a sensational planet.
You see, we were kinda bored with our advanced society....things were too predictable. Snoop, ditty songs, Mexican soap operas, the TV series Lost, fake CNN news, crazy religious stuff? It brought life back into our society.
As for announcing ourselves? Well....it just ain't going to happen. If we kinda mentioned and that we planted 99-percent of trees on the Earth....that most all sea creatures and land animals were what we dropped off, and that we might have manipulated things in the 1500s and 1600s....well....you just wouldn't understand things. And to be honest, there never was a master plan. Add to it....we are probably two-hundred million years more advanced.
The biggest thing that we kinda 'gave' you in terms of technology over the past era? Well....we kinda hinted the idea of 'mute' on TV sets, the general recipe of the McRib sandwich, and the game-show idea of 'Deal, No Deal'. Yeah, we hyped Trump into the idea of running in 2016. We also did explain the fake religious stuff to Rasputin. And we did give some lyric ideas to Johnny Cash back in the 1970s. I should state....Biden wasn't our idea, so don't go blaming us for him or the woes.
Finally, there's no reason to get worried or hyped up. We just simply look to oversee your planet, sample Louisiana cuisine, and sip Icelandic gin.
Signed,
Glomac Ik-poop (Glorious sub-commander #9)
