Saturday, 23 March 2013

The End of Harvey

For Harvey Updyke, the Auburn poison oak tree episode has ended rather quickly.

In Bama, this is probably one of the most talked about episodes of the past five years....well...except for NCAA football stuff.

On Friday, the court finally rendered the verdict there in Wetumpka.  Declared guitly....Harvey has to serve a three-year prison sentence....but the judge determinded that he'd already done around a hundred days, and if he does six months minium....the justice folks could let Harvey out of the whole three years deal.  My humble guess is that he does roughly six to nine months and is let go.

Then there was this stipulation written into the judge's order....which is a curious piece.

Harvey can't go near any NCAA football game for the next five years.  He can't talk to any media folks or even cal into a radio-talk show.  Harvey has to be home every night by 7pm for the whole five years.  And Harvey can't go anywhere near Auburn, period.

All of this was handled rather quickly because Harvey dropped the idea of himself being crazy, and just admitted plain stupid guilt on this stuff.

The general feeling around Bama?  Auburn folks are still a bit upset over the guy.  Most of us consider him to be a nutcase, but like the other 250k Bama folks who are also nutcases.

I'd personally suggest this as a future movie.  I'd like to see Burt Reynolds play Harvey, with Hulk Hogan as an Auburn alumni guy on the hunt for Harvey.  Maybe bring in Terry Bradshaw to play the judge from Wetumpka.

So I suggest here....we Bama folks ought to drag out that forgiving nature of ourselves, and just give Harvey a bit of forgiveness on this stuff.  And if he were to move off to Mississippi.....we wouldn't say anything judgmental against that.

Ten Things I'd Really Like to Do

It's doubtful that the nation would just allow me the status of "king" and reign for about a week to fix ten things, but it'd be nice.

First, I'd like slice off the post office entirely from the federal government.  Hand them $500 million as a parting gift and just say good luck.  If they need to shut down 2k post offices around the country....let them decide on that, and not some idiot in Washington.  If they want to contract out half their services and dump half their union guys....it's their business, not mine.

Second, a congressional or senate bill....can be no longer than three pages.  You can use any font you want.....but the idea that you can pretend that you didn't read it and still vote for it?  We'd fix that by mandating each lady or gentleman sign a piece of paper before the vote to swear they actually read it.  The three-page deal?  You can figure it'll take twenty minutes to scan it and be sure of what's in it.  Don't want to vote for it?  Fine, let's move on.

Third, a limit of $7k a year to borrow for any college loan, either from a bank or the federal government.  Beyond that?  Go to your mafia guys and ask for a 18-percent deal with them, beg off your relatives, work for the tuition, or just forget about that third and fourth year.

Fourth, remove 350 of the channels from everyone's 400-channel selection off cable TV.  To be honest, on any given hour, there's only six guys across the nation watching Golf-TV.  A bunch of channels are dumped onto cable with no logic or reason.

Fifth, got a DWI today?  Your license is automatically revoked for 365 days, period.  You ever get a second DWI?  Your license is lost permanently  and you will never again drive a vehicle.  I don't have any real compassion after the first episode.  Just drink at home and be happy.

Sixth, anyone wanting to be a cop....from the biggest town down to a one-cop-town situation....has to go to a cop academy, take a written and physical test at the end, and then be reviewed every five years for issues.  We've got way too many idiots in the wannabe-a-cop situation.

Seventh, force congress to run a balanced budget.  If you only take in X amount of money....you can only spend that same amount of money.  End of the story.

Eighth.  Dump half the TSA agents at airports as you enter the country.  There should be forty passport scanners fixed up for a herd of travelers.  You pass through a line of the scanners and let it read your bar-code on the passport.  You move on.  To have dimwit Joe sit there and pretend he's doing something of a major significance is a joke.  After twelve hours on a plane.....no one is thinking clearly and just wants to get onto a bed and sleep for eight hours.

Ninth.  The Senate gets to July each year to work out a budget deal with the House.  If they can't come to a compromise by 1 August....they are relieved of the duty, and skipped.  No need to waste time.

Tenth and final.  To be honest, if I were King....I'd move ahead and kick that Piers Morgan character from CNN out of the country.  I'd bring back Larry King.  (Note, this is not to say that Kings always come down on the side of other Kings).

Getting in a Huff about the Huff

I generally regard the Huffington Post....as a loser commentary site.

This week, it came out that the Huff folks are looking for people who can relate special experiences in detail and be very specific about the episodes.  The topic?  Sex with aliens. Yeah, it's not a joke.  The Huff is seeking individuals who did lusty acts with aliens.

All of these interviews will eventually lead to an article written, and posted onto the Huff.  This will create chatter, and commentary....which all relate to people visiting the site and reading over alien hot stuff.

I sat and pondered over this.

On any given day in Bama....there are probably three hundred folks who will openly admit that they've had relations with aliens (not the Latino type, but real UFO-type aliens).  They will go into a fair amount of details....describing every moment....keeping you focused on the act.  After thirty minutes, you almost reach the point where you wish that you could find some alien gal and enjoy some kinky stuff.

The odds of these events described being true?  Well....in Bama....if you believe it....then it has to be true. That's the sad thing about this story.

My humble guess is that a few folks will read the Huff Post over this....get into a fantasy situation, and for years....dream of having a Martian gal who does X, Y and Z.  Eventually, some TV network will agree, and work up a love interest deal...."Hot Martian Girl Talk", and it'll be a hit TV series.

So here we are....zombies, alien love situations, bigfoot, Doctor Phil, Amish mafia gangs, and fake political news.  Modern society, at its best.