Monday, 10 March 2008

A Problem

Just another double-wide being transported.....until they met the weight limit of the bridge.

Baptists and Their Pit

So today....the Southern Baptists came out....and let it be known that they are standing toe-to-toe with Jesus and Al Gore.....to stop global warming, climate change, the woeful carbons, and global chilling. I'm guessing they were sipping a good bit of alcohol and booze at some Baptist function and just lost total control.....then they started jabbering in different tongues...and finally...they were all "saved" by Al.

Its a fascinating thing to watch the Baptists get into this pit of carbon and global warming. They wanted to let folks that it was sinful to just let the earth be destroyed by man....and counter to God's will....although they were fairly careful not to cite too many verses on this. In the words of one dude.....there was man standing there and literally tearing the pages from God's Bible.....in comparing this all to the earth and its impending destruction.

I sat and pondered this miracle-type event. Its kinda like Moses coming across the Red Sea or Noah floating up a mighty big boat with tigers onboard. So then I started contemplating what the good Baptist would do now.

First....turn off the AC in the church totally. If you are burning tons of coal to cool a unnecessary comfort...then it is wicked. A good Baptist would sit there in sweaty clothing and listen without complaining. The same Baptist would limit the heat to a minimum.....maybe 55 degrees...just enough to sit there and listen with a good jacket on.

Second....Sunday night and Wednesday night services would be immediately canceled as they are unnecessary and trigger a family using excess fuel to get to a event of no consequence. An online service could be provided....for those with DSL or cable.

Third....all those folks driving big cars or SUVs....are to be chastised and criticized. If they don't get rid of their vehicles within twelve months....kick them out of the church. They aren't fit to be real Baptists if they don't agree with the church doctrine.

Fourth.....ten percent of all donations to the church....ought to go to carbon credits....and not missionary work. Churches that won't donate their ten percent.....ought to be chastised and identified.

Fifth....all members who need to be baptized....ought to do in a bio-degradable outfit....at the local creek.....not in some artificial water tub with heated water. No waivers for folks who want to be baptized in December or January....just bring them to the creek and dip them hard and fast. Those who fall into the rapids and freeze to death or catch pneumonia.....well....it was God's will.

Sixth....no more hook-ups to a city sewage system and putting excess waste into the hands of the authorities. A out-house will be constructed outside of each church, with a new pit dug each month by the deacons. We want to go back to the old morals of the original Baptist church.

Seventh....all Southern Baptist meetings will be held in a field near Nashville where participants will ride Greyhound bus lines into the city (no air travel) and just camp near the old Operyland Park. Tents and sleeping bags will be provided by the state folks.

Eighth.....no toilet paper will be purchased by the church for the church toilet. Everyone will be asked to bring old newspapers with them to wipe with....preferably not the USA Today paper.....causing it has all that color pigment stuff which will get onto your butt.

Ninth.....a new chapter should be added to the Bible....entitled....."The Letters of Al".....refering to our apostle Al Gore and his Trinity of Carbon which he delivers upon us.

Tenth and final......for the most part....whores, tramps, prostitution, hard drinking, illicit relationships, living in sin, and stealing from Grandma....will still be rated above Global Warming....but just barely.....in terms of sins.

Whilst I have a bit of humor to dabble on these poor fools.....a moment of observation.

Jesus walked in no shadow and laid out a pretty simple priority system.....feed the hungry, cloth the naked, and house the poor. Those were the absolute priorities laid out by Jesus. I don't see those priorities done yet....so to add more onto this list of things to do as a Baptist...doesn't work.

What I see here...are a number of people with very little intellect, no understanding of science or facts, and the desire to be accepted by people at any cost. These are not men to lead people....but men who yell for the masses to follow a fad....with no concern over reality. This is our world today....where Jesus would likely shake his head and just start walking....going past the Baptist church.

The Sins of the People (Updated: 2008)

About 1500 years ago....before the Chicago Bears or Indiana Pacers....long before Pepsi or Diet Coke...there was a decree that went out...from the mighty Pope....about mortal sins. Basically....they were in place to be the things that you'd come to the local priest about...and admit. Then the priest would wave the fairy wand....say some Latin phrases....let you sip some juicy juicy grape wine.....and bless the hell out of you. These were fairly good and decent sins...which we all knew....you'd fail and commit.

So now....today....the Catholic church is going out with seven more mortal sins. The interesting thing....is that it took 1500 years for us to reach the second "7" sins. I'm reckoning....being from Bama....that it might take at least another thousand years....to get the next "7" sins. Course....I am just mortal.....and might be wrong.

So what would you need to commit....to get another visit to the church....for some juicy juicy grape wine?

First....contribute to environmental pollution. The pope didn't really say what had to be done....but you folks with SUV's....in my humble opinion.....are going for this mortal sin. I'm guessing a weekly trip will be necessary.....to get this sin off your butt.

Second.....genetic manipulation. If you are eating a Milky Way bar....brother....sister....you are committing a mortal sin. Them folks with Milky Way.....are using genetic manipulated corn and other assorted stuff....and causing you to sin.

Third....drug trafficking and consumption. For those amongst you...doing Oxyie.....for killing that pain and you ain't getting it from the doctor over at Red Bay as a legal drug....you are sinning. For those amongst you who are using mary-j-u-wanna.....you are on the sinners list. Start walking right now to the church and pray hard.

Fourth....committing morally debatable experiments. Here....the pope basically wrote a "*.*" expression and is leaving in the lurch. He didn't say what was debatable or non-debatable. For example....is the Designated Hitter program in the major leagues....still a experiment. Is there an issue with that? The school lunch program over in Kansas City that offers no meat in the cafe for the kids....is that a debatable experiment? The various tree samplings using private money versus state money....is that a debatable experiment?

Fifth....accumulating excessive wealth. Here again...the pope didn't say if $80k is too excessive. The pope didn't say if he meant a company or family-run operation or a private charity or even a church (maybe like Catholic Churches?). The pope didn't say if he meant the United States of America in general. The pope didn't say if he meant eight of the twenty-five players on the Yankees. Kinda sad when the pope leaves you in a lurch like this....and especially if you were a Steinbrenner or a Trump. How much is excessive?

Sixth....violation of fundamental rights of human nature. This was a seven word violation which is kinda curious what the pope was thinking...or if he was sipping alot of the juicy juicy grape wine. I'm thinking he might mean freedom of travel or freedom of speech or freedom of expression. This is one of those is rather mysterious and I'd be curious if any priest in America would ever get a confession like this....and if he did....I'm guessing the guilty party is a congressman or senator or president.

Seventh....inflicting poverty. Here....its kinda simple....if you are taxing the heck out of a family....and making them poorer....then you have some state governors with programs that are hurting the middle-class of America. You've got idiots running around talking carbon credits and wanting to take vast sums of your money....to bring you to a poverty status.

After you read the original seven, and the new seven.....then you start sizing up folks....you've got some folks with three or four different sins...like Al Gore....or George Bush....or Hillary Clinton....or the state of California. In fact....the Catholic Church....seems to have a couple of these mortal sins....lying on its door step. Although...it would be curious who the heck it intends to confess to....unless God Almighty wants to walk down and collect on these confessions.

Kinda curious how some folks wanted a new updated list of mortal sins....and 1500 years. Course....we are in the Microsoft age....and we can consider this Mortal Sins version 2.0. I'm pretty sure....some fella in the Vatican is sitting there....working on version 3.0. In Ripley....we'd consider this a government job....kinda like running the post office or county extension office. Swell folks....them Catholics.