Thursday, 15 May 2008

Afghanistan and $50 Billion

Proudly yesterday, Afghanistan went before the international community and requested a gift of $50 billion to rebuild the nation. Yes, proudly.

By 12 June of this summer, the Afghani government says that they will produce a 5,000 page document, to explain how to rebuild the country, and will require $50 billion to accomplish this.

I was very impressed. Since I am a writer of sorts....when some guy says he is producing a 5,000 page document...it brings tears to my eyes. I start weeping, and then start thinking about grammar and paragraphs....then creativity....and finally a title for a masterpiece such as this.

How would I write this rebuilding document, to spend $50 billion?

Well...first off...a real country has to have a interstate, from one side of the country to the other, complete with rest stops and scenic view pull-offs. Additionally, you need a sea-world somewhere, and a six-flags. Somewhere in the middle, you typically need a real arch of sorts...like those St Louis folks have. Then you need five-star ski resort for the rich to enjoy. Then you need a major international airport where ladies meet you at the plane and escort you to the VIP lounge.

A major country needs a NFL football stadium, preferably a indoor joint with a retractable roof. They also need a 1st class NFL team, which in this case...the New Orleans Saints would be more than adequate and we could move them out there for the right price (the Kabul Saints).

Then we need strip joints, tattoo parlors, and fish-bait joints leading on the main highway out of Kabul. We need a hooters. We need a Philippine massage parlor. We need a beer garden and at least a dozen Wendy's joints.

We need a 10,000 acre catfish lake, and at least a dozen world-class golf courses. We need a Motel Six just outside of the Kabul Int'l Airport. We need a real Grand Ole Opry. We need at least a dozen national parks, with various paved roads and trails for folks to travel around. And we need a real international zoo, with polar bears and dolphins available.

I realize I'm asking for alot in $50 billion.....but you gotta feel sorry and weepy for my country.....Afghanistan. They don't even have a hooters.....and they deserve it. And lets face, you didn't give a damn about the New Orleans Saints. Its not like I'm sending the Oilers or the Cowboys out to Kabul.....you know.

Polar Ruckus

In 1960, the US Fish and Wildlife Service proclaimed the polar bear population of North America at a top level of 12,000 bears.

Sadly, we must report that the number of polar bears in the same region today have decreased down to 25,000. We use negative-negative numbers.....in order to show a negative number today.....even though you may think 25,000 is more....its not.

Proudly this week.....we can proclaim the polar bear an endangered species, thanks to the environmentalists and George W. Bush. We believe we can use positive-positive numbers in the future, but we aren't promising anything.

I pause here, to ponder a radical Bama-like idea.....to bring a thousand polar bears out of Alaska and resettle them in Bama. The logic here....is that they would learn to adjust to Bama heat, and later adapt. As my point is proven, we would relocate all of the poor polar bears out of the drying up regions of Alaska.....and prepare them for a better life in Bama.

Bama would be proud to accept the polar bears and even put a polar bear across the state flag, if the administration would support us. We would set up a national forest area south of Boaz.....to be called the George W. Bush Polar Bear Preserve. We would allow guided tours and run a special restaurant on the facilities for visitors to eat at, with fresh black bear grilled steaks and baked potatoes.

I'm guessing as things warm up.....some folks will be shocked to see a polar bear population increase....and by 2020....we might be up to 30,000 polar bears, which will still be endangered. In fact....by 2050.....we might have 80,000 polar bears.....and they'd still be endangered. Somewhere.....there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel.