Tuesday, 21 April 2009

How to Be a Loser Magazine



It would have been an article to pour over...."The End of Christian America."

The Wall Street Journal guys probably poured 500 gallons of water on a coffee-cup fire.

The Wall Street boys kinda discovered that the real numbers of self-identified Christians have fallen 10 points since 1990.

Then they looked over at Newsweek. Their circulation has fallen since 2007 by 52 percent. Their statement? "It would be more plausible to state the End of Newsweek."

How do you lose 52 percent? I have to admit that I barely read Newsweek more than once or twice a year.....strictly when traveling. Most people I know....have dropped them over the past five years. Their articles are out of date, far off people's perceptions, and mostly anti-conservative.

My honest guess is that Newsweek will die out as a magazine by 2012. It'll stick around long enough to have impact in the November election that year....but it'll end shortly after that. You can't lose 52 percent of your base....and continue on.

Just a tip for the boys who write the articles for Newsweek....when you talk about the decline of something....you'd best find something more interesting to write on. The Wall Street boys already proved that the actual Christan numbers have increased (in terms of the millions), but the overall percentage is on a slight decline. This kind of statistic for Newsweek circulation would be terrific....but instead....its a 52 percent loss for you guys. That's pitiful.

Our Doped Up EPA Chief


"I'm trying to save the world, We're all trying to save the world."

These are the words of newly installed Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Lisa Jackson to CNN today.

I paused here, gazing back over the Constitution. I tried to find the verse that Jefferson wrote....where you were supposed to save the world. For some reason, I couldn't find it.

I looked over the general description of the EPA....and I still couldn't find any reference to saving the world.

So I've decided that Lisa smokes a fair amount of something and is living in a fantasy world. Its ok to smoke a little and feel chilled out. But when you start talking about saving the world....generally....you are pretty doped up.

Gotta Love the Pirates

So Larry the Pirate has arrived on American shores. To be honest, we don’t know his name….those Homeland Security guys are keeping this hush-hush. You really can run around and blab pirate names to the public….its some kind of law or something, you know.

So they flew Larry the Pirate into New York City. You can see from the picture, Larry is all happy and smiley over this whole thing. There are issues here. First, this is New York….so anything is possible now. ABC and Larry King are probably both trying hard to get an interview with Larry. I’m guessing Larry is awful dang happy because he’s getting free chow and a fresh change of underwear daily now….something you just didn’t get in Somalia. I’m guessing he gets a private cell and all the fruit juices that he could possibly drink. His momma now indicates that Larry is only 16….which kinda puts an entire new prospective on this deal. The Homeland Security guys are saying 19. If Momma is right….then these pirate charges go flush down the toilet quickly.

If convicted? Well…based on what some folks have said….I think the most that Larry can get is 18 months in a fed jail. If he cooperates and gives lots of data….they might even cut it down to eight months. But the thing is….if Larry completes that…then what?

Will we send Larry back to Somalia? I’m betting the ACLU is already working on a stay of forced exit for Larry. Larry will end up as some citizen of the US…..a radio talk show host for show called “Pirates Corner” which will be a satellite feed to half of America. By age thirty….he’ll be a regular commentator for ABC’s Sunday afternoon chat shows.

We are the only nation on Earth…that will take a bad guy….and transform him into some “rock-star” status individual. Who knows….maybe he’ll be married to Madonna by July of 2010.

If the Homeland Security guys were really successful in court….and slam him for four years of prison time….Larry would just be even more happier. He’ll get a chance to finish up a degree with NY State University, learn to speak English with a Bronx accent, and probably write a book called “Pirating, in Seven Simple Lessons”.

So sit back and enjoy the show. We’ll get Larry and all the glitter….and then learn that pirates are really nice people…when they aren’t pointing a gun at your head.

A Left Turn at the Beauty Contest, Literally

Just a stupid piece of analysis from this Miss USA competition episode that I blogged about yesterday. So far, and I’ve read around a dozen articles on this….the only person that got this gay marriage question from gossip blogger Perez Hilton….was the California representative….Carrie Prejean. I found this strange, but then it kinda occurred to me that a lot of things are known about the participants before they arrive, and he likely knew precisely how she’d answer.

Maybe I’m wrong. But if not, and she was the only one stuck with the question….then Perez Hilton is a dimwit and strictly out to play an agenda. As a judge, this would have set him aside immediately….but apparently, no one cares. As for game next year? I’d like to see it held in Jackson, Mississippi…with a number of southern judges….and maybe we can repeat the questions but in the opposite direction. That would start to make these competitions real interesting

Interrogations and Torture, Round Two

The speech at the CIA by President Obama….came and went. It was a political rally type speech. These are a group of pretty smart guys who analyze….and I’m pretty sure they are sitting there now….analyzing the president and his agenda.

The key features of the agenda: admit a bunch of wrong things occurred in previous years over the interrogations, release what was very sensitive and classified data, and finally….turn the war on terror into a contingency operation without using the term “terrorists” as much as possible.

I don’t’ know these CIA folks but having worked in the military side of things….I can guess they are sitting there and wondering why the president cherry-picked his release of data and didn’t explain all the valuable stuff that was gained out of the interrogations. Naturally, this wasn’t in his plans because then it’d be admitting that valuable things do come out of interrogations (note, I didn’t say torture….because I still think it’s not a necessity).

So what happens now? I’m guessing that some analysts will sit back and start reading the New York Times for intelligence data….and just pass it along up the chain. Why analyze when you have leadership like this? I’m also guessing that no one will seriously interrogate any prisoner from this point on.

If the boss says we need valuable data….I’d probably offer the prisoner some decaf coffee and a donut….and I won’t go beyond that point.

If the boss says this is really important that we get important information from the guy….I’ll give the prisoner an easy-chair, a case of Dr Pepper, and some peanut butter cookies. I won’t dare go past the line of worrying about court action against me when the President tosses me under the bus. The worst punishment I might deal out is putting a poodle in the room with the guy and offer him a warm Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Today, I noticed that VP Cheney came out and asked for a full release of data collected by the interrogations. He thinks that you might as well tell the rest of the story. At the poker table….he’s just doubled the bet and pretty much put the current administration into a corner. News analysts will have to ask this stupid question now….what information did you gain? And the administration….in my humble opinion….will want to just skip over that question.
So, it’s just another day in America.