You Damn Yanks (A Parody)

You damn yanks....wussies.

For the past month or two...we Brits have had heard you cuss and fume over British health care....our beloved NHS. You've insulted every which way....and frankly, we're bloody tired of it.

We've lived with national health care for over fifty years and we are damn proud.

When me sister was laid up with a bad hip....she didn't whimper or play out like an American wussy....she stood her ground for eighteen months while awaiting a hip operation. She had resolve....she had guts....like a true Brit, she just gritted her teeth and trudged on.

When me brother was hurting with a smashed foot from work....he didn't act like some wussy American. He waited the eight weeks for the specialist to finally exam the foot....to find it was too late to really fix much of anything. Me brother didn't cry or get whacked out like some American.

When me cousin was waiting two months to see the specialist over her back issues.....she didn't cry daily like some wussy American.

When me neighbor was all laid up with a fever and sweats....and they had to drive him an extra 44 miles because the nearest hospital was over-utilized for the week.....he gritted his teeth and just cussed a wee bit, unlike some wussy American. After we buried him from the missed opportunity of saving his life....we didn't act like a bunch wussy Americans.

Today, as a quarter million Brits stand in the line and await specialized medical care....we aren't complaining or acting like wussy Americans. We've learned to accept pain, suffering, woes and sorrows.

You damn Yanks can have your wussy medical care, thank you please. We Brits have stood a thousand years, without complaining or acting wussy, and we aren't about to allow some damn Yanks to come around and start trouble.

In fact, if you damn Yanks decide you've enough with this "republic" experiment, and you'd like to rejoin the empire...we'd take you under the Queen's authority and put you right kindly under the NHS system. But we'd expect you act tough as nails and show some guts. We don't want any wussy boys in our system.

Well....pardon me now, Yanks. I have to run. My appointment that I made twenty-two months ago to have those six blisters on me butt removed...has finally come up. I can't afford to miss it.....you know.

Robbing Folks

In my hometown, of Lexington, Bama...the local authorities are all upset because they've got crime, yes, real crime. The local residents are in a huff....demanding action. Apparently....there have been a sudden growth of thefts and burglaries where the only thing taken......were riding lawn mowers.

Here's the thing....for most guys....they spend an awful lot of time doing the comparison shopping and price checks. They spend time talking to Larry the repair dude. They talk to their minister about which mower to pick. They ask their cousin Oscar where he got his. They might even ask the wife what color she likes.

The local police chief says: “In the last two weeks it’s really gotten bad. We need the public’s help in checking the people who are responsible.”

All total....so far....it's six mowers. The curious thing is that no one can really remember any mowers being stolen until this two-week period started up and suddenly.....crime has arrived on everything's door step. The best guess of when these guys are coming around? Early morning....three to six AM.

If you sit there and think about it....these aren't light-weight in nature. So it takes two guys. They have to push it out of the garage or carport.....then push another 250 feet to their escape vehicle.....in the dark. They tarp it on the truck and then drive away.

I sat there and thought about this. A riding mower is a quick and easy sale at a flea market. You just offer up a nice looking one which cost $2k originally....and say $400, and the guy offers you $350, which you readily accept. It's easy money.

Another hit this weekend? I kinda doubt it. All of these guys with riding mowers are in a state of fear and anxiety. They wasted 88 man-hours doing the research and begging for a deal with the John Deere guy....and they aren't about to let some idiot walk in and steal their pride and joy.

Course, there may be those guys....with a 25-year old Cub Cadet in fairly bad and rusty shape....and they've got theft insurance. These guys are almost weeping over their fortune in holding onto that riding mower for twenty-five years and now....just maybe....some idiot will steal it and they get insurance money.

Elsewhere, sitting on a lawn chair, drinking a Pabst-Blue Ribbon.... and plotting his next move is Robert the robber. It takes guts, cunning, and low-esteem to plot riding mower thefts. This is a guy who is pretty much a failed car hijacker or ordinary house theft guy. He's willing to go and spend four months in county jail for the theft of a mower or two. He doesn't even have shame over the idea of being caught and labeled in jail as the "mower robber".

Summer is coming to an end shortly....and then the grass will die out and folks will park the riding mower out in the big garage or shed...under lock and key. Maybe then, these terrible crimes will come to an end. Maybe.