Saturday, 26 September 2009

The 3-Ply Saga


This week....quietly....there came Quilted Northern Ultra Plush. QNUP is the toilet paper that you'd weep over. It is the first big brand name....to go three-ply and three-adjective.

Naturally, environmentalists are upset. More trees cut....more waste. It just ain't right....at least in their mind.

The best quote on this?

"It's like the Hummer product for the paper industry," said Allen Hershkowitz, senior scientist with the Natural Resources Defense Council. "We don't need old-growth forests . . . to wipe our behinds."

I sat and paused over this. I'm former military....retired....and I've used some paper that would make Grandma nauseous and sick over. I rode German trains in 1978 and there was the sand-paper left for you to use there....which would bring out blood if it was a nasty wipe. I've used single-ply paper in the desert of Saudi Arabia during the "big war"....Gulf War I. With the single ply....an entire roll lasted 36 hours at the very most....for one guy. We had some toilet paper at the office building in Panama that would literally dissolve on your butt the minute it hit any moisture.

So here is someone....offering a 3-ply toilet paper? I sat and paused over this. The problem is....flushing. I'm already going to be that a good 18-inch "rip" will clog up the toilet easily. We might all have to get used to just a 9-inch "rip" and hope that does the job.

I realize some of you are in lesser unfortunate areas....without a Piggly Wiggly or a Wal-Mart....and you may not be privileged enough get some of this stuff. My advice? Go online with Amazon and just order the stuff to be delivered to your house. Make sure it's like six packages of the stuff. And make sure all the neighbors see you getting the 3-ply stuff. They will be envious with rage as you describe the comfort levle with the new paper. And if they ask for a roll.....just to test....it would be neighborly of you to offer up one.

A true southerner would never turn down a neighbor asking for a roll.