Thursday, 29 October 2009

Caskets

So this was an interesting bit to Wal-Mart’s sales. Yesterday, coffin sales started up. The deal is....you browse online, and make the purchase (likely by credit card). They deliver it to your house within two to three days....I assume by Fedex or UPS. Once it’s delivered....no returns.

I laughed over this new concept. No returns....was necessary because some folks might use it for a day and then try to return it when they felt it didn’t meet their needs.

So you can imagine the situation. You can’t really buy this at death because it just won’t get there in time. So you are one of those prior-to-the-event buyers. You buy it and two days later....here is the Fedex guy in your driveway in Bama. He needs some help in unloading this three-hundred pound box.

You get your cousin Larry and neighbor Jimmy to come over and haul out this monster-sized cardboard box. You put it in the carport....and cut open the cardboard.

Larry, Jimmy, the Fedex guy, and you gaze at the new coffin. Jimmy will be the first guy to comment....”you sure it’s big enough”, and then you start to worry and measure the interior to make sure it’s the right fit.

Larry then suggests that he’d like to get one but with more fancy woodwork. The Fedex guy suggest cherry wood would have been more suitable.

At this point, Wanda (your wife) comes out....and asks “what the hell did you buy”, and then goes off on a tangent about wasting $1,500 of your money on some stupid coffin. She wants it out of the carport before neighbors see it.

So you and the boys haul it out to the garage and put over the bass boat. You pull out some fancy garbage bags and ensure no water getting into the wood and then tie it up to the rafters.

You and the boys all stand there drinking a beer and talking about the great idea of pre-buying your own coffin.

The sun sets that evening....and you all go back and turn on Andy Griffth and kinda forget about the box.

Weeks pass. Months pass. Years pass. Then one day.....you die down by Ben’s Bar-b-q Pit....from a massive heart attack triggered by the two pounds of pork and hot sauce you poured over the top.

They haul you down to county general hospital....pronouncing you dead.

Wanda drives down....cries up a storm....and then goes over to Carl’s Funeral Home....to make arrangements. Wanda doesn’t remember the coffin over the bass boat. She buys a brand new coffin for $2,200 with the Auburn war eagles symbol over the top.

Weeks pass. Months pass. Years pass. And one day....Wanda is cleaning out the garage and selling the old bass boat and sees this box up there....wondering what the hell it is. She has cousin Claude come over and discovers this old coffin that you bought.

Claude eyeballs it a while and finally says he can sell it at the flea market....so Wanda just says to get it the heck out of the garage. Claude puts it up on top of the cab of the truck and sells the box in less than five minutes, for $100. Some guy loads into the back of his Cadillac trunk, with about four feet of coffin showing. Sitting in the back seat was his faithful dog....”Teddy”.

Somewhere along the road to Demopolis, Bama....he swerves to miss a deer and hits an apple cider stand....and this massive fire erupts. The local cops arrive....and there in....lies the mystery of the burnt empty coffin, some funny bones that they eventually figure to be a dog, and a statewide investigation. The Cadillac guy swears up and down there never was a human body. But he can’t remember Claude’s name. Needless to say....it only spells trouble in the end.

So the morale of the story is....just pass on the Wal-Mart deal. Nothing good of this can come.

The Pelosi Deal

1990 pages? This is the Pelosi universal health care plan?

Basically, you must have a plan, period....no exceptions. This was what a number of senators wanted to avoid....in fear of the constitutional challenge that would come up. Some lawyers have said that forcing people to pick "A" or "B"....won't pass the Supreme Court.

Listening the words....expecting this to pass and be signed by the President by 11 November, and then everyone could evacuate and leave DC in mass.

I started to kinda shed a tear there....mostly while laughing. The package is such....that most southern Democrats will not vote for it. It is fairly different from the senate package....so getting the senators to buy along with this is mostly zero. I think Reid would have trouble getting 49 or more senators in this case.

Frankly, I think she killed the entire episode....on purpose. I believe she mostly fell on the biggest sword possible to make the extreme far left feel appreciated and she knows that the moderates and southern Democrats will just pass on this package.

Everyone is sitting there tonight.....planning their trip home within two weeks....and a nice long Christmas vacation. The President will be left to figure out some great topics or foreign visits....and how to max out on blame for Bush.....or someone.....for this mess.