Sunday, 6 February 2011

Top Ten Priorities in Life for a Guy from Bama

Guys from Bama tend to think and ponder a bit....and they prioritize things in a different fashion.  They don't brag much about these priorities.  Why should they?  It's not like you get a Nobel Prize or get invited to Letterman's Show to discuss these priorities.  Half the time, a guy from Bama doesn't even mention he has priorities to his wife or girlfriend, and it's typically a shock when they figure these all out.    These priorities are....in no certain order.

- A guy needs to have a front porch or carport that is nice enough to invite folks over but not fancy enough to hold socials or such.  At least five chairs must be in a semi-circle and it'd be nice to have a bug zapper within ten feet for pest issues.

- A guy has to attend some local church, but to be honest....there's not much going on in his mind during services except the sixteen steps of a tune-up, the best economic way to get from Toonerville to Red Bay, and lusting feelings for Miss Darline at the County Co-Op as they were there yesterday and discussing grass seed.  Church attendance is just something to show.....and not to get too dang serious about.

- A guy needs to prioritize his time so that he knows six months ahead of time about the septic tank having issues.  You never want to mess with digging up a septic tank in the winter time.

- A guy puts a heavy priority on himself when it comes to mowing grass on a Saturday.  It tends to be important to have a manicured yard for display on Sunday....although it's not written down or such.  Even if there's rain forecasted for Saturday afternoon.....a guy will mow until lightning is noted in the local area....just to get the job done.

- It's high on a Bama guy's priority list to have forty-four different yard tools mounted up on the garage wall and oiled properly.  It's like a display case for trophies or such....except a neighbor might stop at any moment and ask to borrow one, and he needs to be impressed once you open the door.

- A Bama guy has a high priority to ensure his satellite TV reception has no issues prior to NCAA season.  If the receiver were to burn out on a Saturday morning.....he needs a replacement by the time Auburn or Bama's game comes on in the afternoon.

- A Bama guy values his close relatives to the extent that he'd kick the wife out of the house before he'd accept 'orders' from the wife not to help the relative.  Bama women tend to understand this priority and use it to ensure refrigerators, stoves or washers get replaced on a regular basis....whether broke or not.

- There's a high priority for Bama guys to keep a pick-up operational for twenty years.  To stand and admit that they only got sixteen years of service out of a 1994 Ford F-150 before they traded it in....would embarrass a guy greatly.    Even if they had to spend $3k to fix up a 17-year old pick-up....it's the legacy of being a truck owner which is stressed over and over.

- It's a priority for a Bama guy....even if he does live in a dry county....to have a refrigerator hidden in the garage loaded with beer to offer friends and relatives when they stop by on a hot afternoon.  Course, he'd never mention it to Methodist neighbors or his local Baptist minster.

- Finally, it's a priority for a Bama guy to dream of driving up to Alaska.  But it's only a dream.  He'll have a map hidden in the desk showing the best route.  He'll have a subscription to a Alaska magazine which he keeps by his easy chair.  He'll know the size of the rifle to take along to take down a 600-lb Grizzly.  He knows the weather patterns and the best hotel in Anchorage to stay at.  But the truth of the matter is that it's just a dream and he ain't going nowhere.  It's just a priority to dream about such adventures.